Wednesday, December 22, 2010

30 Days of Thanks—Day #28

I’m grateful for those things that come along right when I need them.

Earlier today, I was thinking about what I was going to write about tonight, not the daily gratitude post, but a separate post I was going to call “Those Happy Days.” The other day, I sent a Facebook message to an old friend. The last message I’d sent him was a year ago, December 4, 2009. We were catching up for the first time after many years, and I wrote, “How are you? I am about as good as I could possibly imagine,” and then proceeded to tell him all about Ed and Hudson.

I was so struck by this when I read it again. How much can change in a year. And what I’ve been thinking about since I read it is the fact that I won’t ever be able to say that again, because for the rest of my life, there will always be someone missing. There will always be a way that I could imagine my life being better, if it only had my oldest child in it again. I was feeling so sad about this today, because it is still a reality I have difficulty facing. It makes me so angry to not even be 35 years old and to be able to say with absolute certainty that my happiest times are already behind me. I know there is so much joy still to come, more joy than I can imagine right now, but I also know that that joy will always be tempered somewhat. Because it will live side-by-side with this terrible pain for the rest of my life. It is an awful truth.

As I was getting ready to write about this tonight, I got an email from Jessica’s cousin Deedee (over the course of our friendship, I have grown pretty close to many of Jessica’s cousins—Jessica’s other cousin Caroline, along with Deedee and Deedee’s mother and sister, basically planned and executed Hudson’s entire memorial service in North Carolina, a task for which no one in my family was equipped, and one for which we will always be deeply grateful). In it, she told me about a song on the new Indigo Girls holiday album. “There’s Still My Joy” was written by Melissa Manchester, but this cover is extremely powerful. Although the “tiny child” Manchester wrote about was most certainly Jesus, this song has an entirely different meaning for me.  You will see why when you listen and read the lyrics.

So I’m grateful to Deedee (maybe Jessica’s ESP extends to her entire family when it comes to things I might need) for this much-needed reminder that although the happiest times in my life may in fact be behind me, there’s still my joy: the joy of my memories with our amazing oldest daughter Hudson and the joy our future children will bring us.

There’s Still My Joy

I took my tree down to the shore
The garland, and the silver star
To find my peace, and grieve no more
To heal this place inside my heart

On every branch I laid some bread
And hungry birds filled up the sky
They rang like bells around my head
They sang my spirit back to life

One tiny child can change the world
One shining light can show the way
For all my tears, for what I've lost
There’s still my joy
There’s still my joy
For Christmas day

The snow comes down on empty sand
There’s tinsel moonlight on the waves
My soul was lost, but here I am
So this must be amazing grace
One tiny child can change the world
One shining light can show the way

Beyond my tears for what I've lost
There’s still my joy
There’s still my joy
For Christmas day
There’s still my joy for Christmas day
There’s still my joy. 


Hudson’s many faces in her Christmas dress for the one-year turtle pics


There’s still my joy.

9 comments:

  1. I have a thing for Scotties. And Hudson in the Scottie dress is just too cute for words. The joy that will reside, side by side, with your pain, will be a miracle. No, nothing will ever, ever eradicate the pain, Mandy, you are right. But I feel certain that incredibly happy days - many of them - are coming soon. One foot in front of the other...
    Sending you big big hugs.
    Claire

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  2. Most beautiful! Wishing you and Ed peace and comfort. And, no, the pain will never go away, but you are getting stronger than the pain every day. As you grow stronger, there will be room and more room for joy. Even stronger than the pain is your love for your beautiful sweet girl. Take it one moment at a time -- blessings to your family. The quote below is for you.
    'I have had to learn to grow around the pain, to give it its place in my being, while becoming, anyway, more than my pain. I wish for all of us who suffer, thousands of moments and hours of happiness; may be grow around and beyond our pain so we can continue to be fully present to Life.'

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  3. The words, the dress, the faces, the song, the sweet child..."there's still my joy"...moved through my heart and touched my soul. Wow, Mandy, just beautiful! Renee P.

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  4. Beautiful tribute Mandy. Please don't give up hope that you will be truly happy again. The happiness will be different for sure, but not necessarily less than before...if that makes any sense. xoxo, Olivia

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  5. What a miracle you are, Mandy. What a gift you and Hudson were to one another and to Ed. Beautiful song, irresistible girl. Impossible to believe she's no longer 'here'. And she'll never be forgotten.

    With love,
    Rebecca

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  6. What a beautiful girl. She is so perfect, it makes it both wonderful and painful to watch this. I love the pictures of her clapping- her enthusiasm and love of life are some of her traits most apparent through this blog. Thank you for sharing.

    Holding all of you in my heart this Christmas.

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  7. I must have this song. It brings me to tears as I think of Hudson. I am wrapped in more love for her. The ending of the song and the video just slays me...Renee P.

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  8. What a moving tribute.

    I wish you and Ed peace.

    Kris

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  9. This is so moving - your beautiful little girl, who radiates pure love and joy herself, as one listens to the words of the song.............wow, Mandy.

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