I guess I’m grateful just to have made it through another difficult weekend. A year ago today, we threw Hudson an awesome first birthday party (a week and a half late to accommodate her grandparents’ schedule). This year, I spent most of this same weekend trying to figure out how to assemble a holiday card (yes, still) that reflects both our terrible grief over Hudson’s death and our earnest hope for joy in the future, and how to decorate a Christmas tree in my first year without my girl. Her absence, and my longing, was just so very palpable at every turn.
I hate these days where the loss just feels so great that it’s hard to see through it to recognize all the gifts in my life. It seems to defeat the purpose of this exercise. But some days, this is just how it is.
I am so grateful each time you write here, Mandy. Thank you. I look forward to reading more on how you put together your holiday letter because you seem to percolate a while and come up with a tour de force. I am sorry this weekend was such a tough one.
ReplyDeleteWith love and a hug or two,
Rebecca
I think you should give yourself a lot of credit just for muddling through. It's so, so tough, especially this time of year. Wishing you a lot of peace in the days ahead.
ReplyDeleteHugs.
ReplyDeleteClaire
Every post you write is moving. You can feel terrible, sad, and awful--there's no shame in that, and on the days when there seems to be almost nothing at all to bring you solace, then we (readers) can be the ones to offer a bit of thanks: for your writing, your honesty, your sharing of this deeply painful time that reveals the unending beauty in your love for Hudson.
ReplyDeleteJust wanted to let you know that my family bought Christmas gifts and clothes for a 6 year old girl living in a migrant labor camp near us. I only know of Hudson through this blog, but her story was in my mind as I made my purchases, and I chose an adorable stuffed puppy and some puppy books, since I knew the girl liked puppies, and Hudson did too. Your birthday request for Hudson led me to seek out this opportunity to do something good for a stranger.
ReplyDeleteMy mantra lately is "It just is".
ReplyDeleteThank you so much for everything you wrote to me Mandy. I think about Hudson every day, and your writing enables me to feel such a connection to her. I am sending you so much strength- I may not have it for myself but I can always send it to a fellow bereaved. Funny how life works, isn't it.
Much love and grace...