I guess I’m grateful just to have made it through another difficult weekend. A year ago today, we threw Hudson an awesome first birthday party (a week and a half late to accommodate her grandparents’ schedule). This year, I spent most of this same weekend trying to figure out how to assemble a holiday card (yes, still) that reflects both our terrible grief over Hudson’s death and our earnest hope for joy in the future, and how to decorate a Christmas tree in my first year without my girl. Her absence, and my longing, was just so very palpable at every turn.
I hate these days where the loss just feels so great that it’s hard to see through it to recognize all the gifts in my life. It seems to defeat the purpose of this exercise. But some days, this is just how it is.