These are the words that I kept repeating to myself over and over again as I went about my errands today. I want to shop for a Christmas dress for her, like the technician at the vet told me she was doing—she saw my necklace with Hudson’s name stamped on it (without asking anything about it) and started telling me about how she saw something like it on Etsy, and how she shops on Etsy all the time for things for her daughter. At Target, I want to buy supplies for her birthday party. At REI, I want to get her some colorful fleece booties to keep her feet warm this winter. At Costco, I want to sit and have lunch with her and then stroll around the store with her while she entertains everyone who walks past. And to get her some fleece footed jammies in a 2T size with Christmas trees and reindeer on them. And maybe the Elmo Christmas song book. I want to take her to the Christmas on Ice display at the National Harbor, for which I must have heard ten radio ads in the car today. I want to take her hiking on these cool fall days. I want to play with her in the piles of colorful leaves in the backyard. I want to take her to ZooLights at the National Zoo, which was advertised on the back cover of the zoo magazine that came in the mail today. I want her to try her first hot apple cider. I want to take a family photo of the three of us and Bess for this year’s holiday cards. I want to bake and decorate Thanksgiving turkey cookies with her this weekend so that she can take them to her grandma’s house next week. I want to listen to Christmas music with her and teach her my favorite songs. I want to knit a stocking for her. I want to tell her about her little brother or sister who is coming in May and teach her all about penguins.
I want. I want. I want.
I know this is the time of year where I am supposed to be thinking about how grateful I am for everything that I have. And I am. Grateful. For everything that I have.
But I just want my little girl back. I just want my Hudson back. I Just. Want. Her. Back.