Tuesday, November 2, 2010

Bailing Out

I can’t write today. You can probably tell it’s been a difficult several days. I bailed on work today for the first time since I started. Last night, just before I went to bed, I started looking through our pictures from last November to find a new one for my computer desktop. As you will see soon, Hudson was really starting to become a little person in ways she hadn’t before—her playfulness, her bright spirit, her loving nature—these all became increasingly more evident in November. I started to sob and could not stop for a long while, just overwhelmed once again by the enormity of what we have lost, what Hudson lost. I slept fitfully and got up insanely early to work a Democratic voter protection hotline. It kept me busy and focused—and kept my mind off the deep sorrow of the last several days. Afterwards, I’d planned to go to work, but by the time I got back to the house to walk over to the office, I was sobbing again. I knew I’d never make it the whole day in the office. So I called in sick. I know it was the right decision, but it still feels bad. I spent the rest of the day zoned out in front of the TV, trying to keep the pain at bay.


So even though I have a lot to say, I’ve handled about all I can handle for right now. Hopefully I’ll be back to work, and to writing, tomorrow.

16 comments:

  1. The blog is for you, not us, so take your time and write whenever you are ready. We'll be here to read as much or as little as you write. And whether there's a new post or not, you're in our hearts and on our minds.

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  2. Rest well. I'm lifting you up for healing.

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  3. (((hugs))) I'm sorry you had a sad day.

    Taking time from your normal schedule is self care and it is necessary. Even if you are just watching TV, or doing other things just to get through the bad days, I think there's a lot of processing going on. Grief work is hard and exhausting.

    Thinking of you.

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  4. Do what you need to do right now, without guilt or a second thought. You must be gentle with yourself! You're doing a lot and you have to take the time you need to grieve. Write only if it's what you want to, need to, do.

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  5. Rest and breathe, Mandy. Everything else (the blog, the job, the responsibilities) will be there when you get up.
    You're sorrowful. It takes time to heal. Take time.
    Claire

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  6. Kate C said it all...we're here even if you're not. Rest, settle your thoughts, and take care of yourself the best way you can.

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  7. Mandy: I agree with everyone else -- you need to be kind to yourself. It's been obvious in the topics you've been tackling, that this has been a particularly very rough past few days. May I offer a suggestion? Your grief is unfathomable. Your sadness, well, I cannot even begin to comprehend your sadness and longing for your beautiful little girl. Mandy, THAT is what you carry with you every day -- that is Present Moment Awareness. I know that you have an irrepresible need to write about the days in the hospital and you do need to process those days. But, the sadness you have in you every moment of every day - that is your Present Moment.....and that is the emotion and pain (an imaginable weight of emotion and pain) that you will carry with you every day.....and you will grow to where you can manage it. But, you cannot carry that, and process that and deal with that and carry all the pain from the days in the hospital, and the hours before you went to the hospital. Resolve that period of time, Mandy, and please, give yourself the full benefit of any doubt you still have. I've read every word of your blog - my dear, you did what any mom would do. You acted with love, care, intelligence, appropriateness. Please, give yourself a break, and now focus on the grief, the weight of the pain, the heartbreaking emotions that remain but only those Present Moment emotions and grieve for your beautiful Hudson -- in the present day. Please know that I so do not wish to be presumptuous, but you have more than enough pain and sorrow every single day -- you cannot continue to go back in time and carry that pain and sorrow with you as well. You must take care of yourself and the baby you are carrying. I write these words only after much thought and consideration. When you go back in time in your mind, and you will do that only about a million times or so a day, go back and carry, remember, take with you only the wonderful, happy memories you have of your beautiful little girl. Carry those happy memories with you as you walk and go through the day along with your present moment grief. Thoughts and prayers are with you -- Mariann

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  8. without words. and holding you in the Light.

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  9. Oh Mandy, I'm so sorry. The pain that comes through your posts is so palpable. I hope tomorrow is better.

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  10. Thinking of you, and hoping tomorrow is a little easier. xoxo

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  11. You continue to give so much even in the midst of your pain. You shouldn't hesitate to take whatever you need-- and don't give it another thought. Love and light.

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  12. Mandy,
    God if it were as simple as not thinking about what happened to feel better, I know you would have done it. I know I would have done it. You are working so hard right now to find a place for all the pain, trauma and questions that come with losing a child. I honestly don't know what else you could do right now. Your baby is gone, you miss her and you wonder if things could have been done differently. In time that progression of, "whys," "if only" and whatever else you're struggling with will quiet.

    I hope you have a counselor or a support group to help you navigate some of your mourning. It is too hard to do alone. Please don't be hard on yourself. Two days in front of the television might be okay too. Be good to yourself.

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  13. One last thing. In my opinion you're not bailing out at all. You are working so hard right now.
    Jackie

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  14. Please don't feel bad. You aren't bailing. You did the right thing in having a day off work.

    I hope you got my e-mail. C xo

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  15. Thinking about you all today. I hope that things have been gentler today.

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