I am grateful for this blog. I am grateful to have a place to write all of this down and try to make some kind of sense of what is still so incredibly senseless. I am grateful to have a place that lets me be, for the most part, myself, without expectations or self-reproach. I am grateful to have a place where people who know me can come and see how I am doing, so they can understand that no matter how much time has gone by, no matter how “okay” I seem on the surface, no matter how many steps forward I have made, I am still grieving. Deeply. Acutely. Painfully. It is important for them to know that. It is important for them to know that as happy as I am that this baby is coming into our lives, its appearance will not just make this pain go away. It is important for me to always have a place where I can come and express my love for Hudson and my continuing, terrible grief over her death right alongside my love for the Penguin and my hope for the future.
I really never dreamed the internet could be life-changing, but it has been.