Sunday, November 28, 2010

30 Days of Thanks—Day #4

I am grateful for this blog. I am grateful to have a place to write all of this down and try to make some kind of sense of what is still so incredibly senseless. I am grateful to have a place that lets me be, for the most part, myself, without expectations or self-reproach. I am grateful to have a place where people who know me can come and see how I am doing, so they can understand that no matter how much time has gone by, no matter how “okay” I seem on the surface, no matter how many steps forward I have made, I am still grieving. Deeply. Acutely. Painfully. It is important for them to know that. It is important for them to know that as happy as I am that this baby is coming into our lives, its appearance will not just make this pain go away. It is important for me to always have a place where I can come and express my love for Hudson and my continuing, terrible grief over her death right alongside my love for the Penguin and my hope for the future.
I really never dreamed the internet could be life-changing, but it has been.


  1. Mandy,
    In turn, you have changed the lives of many by sharing your searing pain. To think that the joy of the new baby would replace the pain of losing Hudson would be unrealistic. That pain will move over a bit, and it and your joy will reside side-by-side, much the same as the reality of Penguin and the memory of Hudson will. Embrace them both and know that we are all out here, rooting for you!

  2. Mandy thank you for having the strength to survive and the beauty to share your journey here with all of us.
    Hudson will always be your oldest child- neither time nor space will ever take that form you. Her younger sibling(s) will know her intimately through your stories and memories. Hers is a legacy thai will live forever- from you to the stars.

  3. Mandy, I have no idea why your blog was in my "bookmarks" because I don't remember putting it there. I've been so fuzzy-minded the last 4 months since my son died. I sat for months with him in the hospital and I'd search the internet to hopefully find some meaning to what was happening to me....and maybe I found your blog then. I woke up this morning with that awful pain that hits like a wave out of nowhere and threatens to drown me and decided to clear out my bookmarks section. As I skimmed down it I saw your blog and opened it up. I've been sitting here bawling as I've read your posts. You are describing my life. I just want my sweet son back. Thank you for sharing your pain and happiness.
    Shirley -

  4. I hold you in my prayers everyday. This morning during a brief moment of quiet, I heard a voice in my heart that told me you will be OK. While I know that the depth of your loss will not diminish, I felt reassured that you and Ed will know joy and happiness again. That must be hard for you to believe sometimes, but keep hanging in there. I'm so sorry that you have to bear this grief and sorrow. I will always pray for your comfort.

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  6. Though I wish I didn't know of you, and that this blog didn't exist, it is always remarkable to me how you have invited us in, sharing your journey and allowing us to virtually surround you with love and support.

    Just today I was reminded of how widespread your community of caring is. It turns out that you went to college with a dear friend of mine from junior high and high school, Alyson Pomerantz. I wish our paths could have crossed in a very different way - perhaps through our mutual friends - but since they have not, I continue to be one of many faithful readers who is simply grateful for you.

  7. I've been behind in my reading-not sure how I missed these last few posts.
    But this morning as I was driving to school, Christmas music playing, I found myself thinking of Hudson, calling on her spirit, thinking of you.

    What to do Wednesday? And furthermore, past that? Something, to be sure.

    Thank you, as always, for being you.

    Love you.

  8. Mandy, I came here months ago via Katie Granju's blog. I've been back every day ever since. My daughter and her husband lost their baby boy two weeks ago -- what you have written here has been a blessing as I support them in their grief. My daughter posted yesterday this quote from a poem about healing: 'If you are healing from the loss of a child and you get out of bed in the morning, you are doing well.' Prayers to you and Ed for comfort and prayers for Little Penguin. (My 'grandma' name for my grand-daughters is 'Big Penguin.') Mariann

  9. My boys and I will be taking some toys to our church's toy drive this week in honor of Hudson. Thank you for letting us be a part of your remembrance.