Tuesday, September 14, 2010

Veiled

Jess sent me a passage from a book this morning. She’s reading Out Stealing Horses by Per Patterson with her book club. She says that the main character, a 15-year-old boy, after experiencing the hardest thing in his life, says:

It was as if a curtain had fallen. It was like being born again. The colors were different, the smells different, the feeling things gave you right down inside yourself was different. Not just the difference between heat, cold; light, darkness; purple, grey, but the difference in the way I was frightened and the way I was happy.

I can’t imagine a better way to describe my grief. Everything is visible but only through a veil. Everything is muted. Everything feels fuzzy at the edges. Maybe this is why fall is coming harder than I hoped—fall makes things feel even fuzzier. In the past, it’s always been fuzzier in a warm, welcoming way. Now it feels fuzzier in a sad, melancholy way.

I start my new job tomorrow. I still don’t know if I’m ready to leave the shelter of these past four months of very private grieving. I still cry at the drop of a hat, even in public. But ready or not, here I come, I guess.

19 comments:

  1. I've often described my bouts of serious depression as living behind a curtain that is visible only to me. I can see and hear the world, but I'm not quite a part of it.

    It's OK to take your grief out into the world. There are no inappropriate emotions. There is no schedule for mourning. If your grief appears in public - so be it.

    I'll be holding you in prayer as you start your new job tomorrow. You'll find the grace you need to take some steps around the curtain.

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  2. Best of luck at your new job tomorrow. I wish I could say things like, "I'm sure you'll be fine" and "It'll be a nice distraction from the grief you have been feeling" but those comments are too simplistic and do not account for the depth and complexity of your grief. I hope it'll be fine and I hope it will be, although hard, another step on the road to figuring out how to live this life you don't want to be living. I'll be sending you my good thoughts and remembering Hudson with you as you take this next step. I know Hudson's spirit, wherever and whatever it is, will be smiling at you tomorrow and hoping for your success and happiness.

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  3. Mandy, I do not think I could say it better than Erica. I want to wish you well for your first day at Catholic. I know that you will make a positive difference in many students lives.

    Hugs,
    Alex K.

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  4. Ditto to Erica's and Alex's comments. We're all rooting for you in your new job. I'm hoping you will meet a new network of people to share Hudson's stories and lessons with.

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  5. Mandy, I'll be thinking of you tomorrow as you start the new job. I have no doubt you will find a whole new group of admirers and supporters among your colleagues and the students at Catholic, and I hope you will find the job enjoyable and fulfilling.

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  6. I've been thinking about you a lot today, knowing that today was the 14th and that you start work on the 15th. I know that during law school your positive energy and passion for pro bono was inspiring to many people, including me. I am sure the same will be true in your new position. As your job progresses, I am certain that in the future there will be many students who will count you as their "one good thing" in the anxious/uncertain world that is law school. In that way, I truly believe that you will be carrying on Hudson's memory and work in a powerful way by making a very positive impact in this world.

    As for your first day/week/month, etc. of work, don't be too hard on yourself. I'm sure it will probably be more emotionally draining/taxing than anyone except you could ever understand. But please know that we are all rooting for you and sending you prayers and good thoughts, and will continue to do so as you continue on this journey. And remember, there is no one "right" way to do this, and you really don't get any extra "points" for not crying. Truly.

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  7. Best of luck tomorrow. I'll be thinking of you. So proud of you.

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  8. Best wishes for a good tomorrow (what we always wish for you.)

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  9. Anne Lamott puts it like this:
    "I don't think you can ever really get over the death of the few people who matter most to you. It's too big. Oh, you do, the badly broken leg does heal, and you walk again, but always with a limp."

    Good luck tomorrow. You may be limping through the fuzz, but good luck.

    Susan H.

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  10. I'll be thinking of you tomorrow. It must be difficult to start something new without Hudson there to witness it, but no matter what happens and how many changes it entails, you will never "move on" from Hudson- she will always be a part of you and will always be with you. Her memory will sustain you and carry you through. I know she is proud of her mom.

    It's OK to grieve in front of others. As you know all too well, grief has no timetables or schedules. Big hug.

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  11. Mandy - your wonderful friends have said it all. I too (friend of Jessica and of Caroline too) will think of you tomorrow walking to your new job. You are a brave and generous soul - thank you so much for sharing this blog.
    Rebecca

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  12. Mandy,
    Our prayers and best wishes go with you tomorrow,as they do every day. While you may not feel ready for this next transition, you got this job for a reason. Embrace what comes. Let it flow ove ryou like water and cleanse your soul of all that pains you.

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  13. Mandy,
    My sincerest wishes for an easy transition into your new job. Know that you carry Hudson wherever you go, and that will sometimes make you smile, and sometimes make you cry. Anyone with a beating heart will surely understand.
    Claire

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  14. I've been thinking about you all week Mandy, as you conquer a big step tomorrow. I've been thinking about you so much that I dreamt about you last night. You were asking me for help with cleaning your kitchen and washing the dishes...don't know what the dream means, if anything, but if there is anything I can ever do to help out, please let me know :)

    You remain in my prayers and thoughts as you start your new job tomorrow. We are rooting you on...and please don't be hard on yourself if you find yourself feeling overwhelmed with the newness of something in your life without sweet Hudson by your side. I believe in my heart she is cheering her Mama along with us. xoxo

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  15. I hope tomorrow goes well, Mandy. Your friends put everything so eloquently. I'm always impressed, not only by your poignant thoughts and posts, but by the thoughtfulness and clarity of all others who comment. I think it's because your thoughts bring it out in them. Please remember what amazing value you add to the world, even in your grief. Please allow yourself any and every time for mourning.

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  16. I hope you are able to find some new joys in your new surroundings and responsibilities. And in case you need reassurance, it's OK to grieve in public. People will support you. Good luck and hugs.

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  17. I hope that your first day in this new job goes as well as possible and maybe brings you some comfort. I don't know anything about Catholic Law School but I worked at a private Catholic High School in New York City on September 11, 2001 and several years later when my father died. In a time of tragedy, it was the most supportive, comforting and caring community I have ever experienced. I hope that Catholic Law School is a similar community to support and care for you.

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  18. Good luck tomorrow, Mandy. Grieving in public may not be your preference, but honestly, it takes down a lot of the artificial boundaries that we set up and that keep us from feeling close to people. You might find some instant connections with your new colleagues. You never know what's going on in the lives of others. Olivia

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  19. Looking forward to hearing how your first day at work went! Thinking of you all day! :)

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