Sunday, March 13, 2011

Ten Months: Remembering

Ten months. I honestly don’t even know what to say about that. Even though, as I’ve mentioned, my days have been seeming better on the whole, I have felt markedly sadder moment-to-moment in the last week or two than I have felt in a while. I can barely look at pictures of my sweet Hudson or think about her in any depth without breaking down.

I just can’t believe that next month will be the last month of photo memories I have to share of Hudson’s final year with us. I have recently been looking back through photos of her from her younger days, before she was crawling, not only to try and get myself excited to experience those days again with another child, but also to remember what those days were like with Hudson. She was so transformed as a toddler—she had a bright and unique personality from very early on, but she was really in the midst of turning into such an incredible little person when she died. It is often hard to even remember what she was like before she was seven or eight months old and really started to assert herself. So I’ve been trying to remind myself of how wonderful those early days were, too.

Today’s memory from last March burns so brightly in my head—an amazing spring day on the Mall with our girl, who got to see kites for the first (and, of course, unbeknownst to us, the last) time. I love these photos so much—they are perfect representations of our life with Hudson. Happy, happy child. So many adventures. So much fun. So much joy. So much love.

If only they did not make my heart feel so very broken.

















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18 comments:

  1. AnonymousMarch 13, 2011 at 11:55 AM

    Always, always, that little face is such a joy to behold. Especially, I love the photos of Bess walking Hudson.

    Thank you, Mandy. So many of us are holding your family in our hearts and minds.

    Much love,
    Rebecca

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  2. LizzyMarch 13, 2011 at 11:58 AM

    Those photos are beautiful. Hudson is so full of joy.

    It is unbelievably heartbreaking that she is not here with you this spring. Still thinking of your precious family everyday.

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  3. AnonymousMarch 13, 2011 at 12:58 PM

    The joy is overflowing.
    There are so many things I don't understand. And, the loss of Hudson is a huge one.
    Sending you love as you continue to try to find joy and meaning.
    Rachel C.

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  4. AnonymousMarch 13, 2011 at 1:22 PM

    Wow, thank you so much for sharing your photos and love with us, Mandy. I am so sorry that she is not here with you. What an amazing little girl and amazing family you are.

    ~Amanda (metinperu)

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  5. AnonymousMarch 13, 2011 at 1:51 PM

    Beautiful photos, Mandy. Remembering with you today. love, Kate Z.

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  6. AnonymousMarch 13, 2011 at 2:39 PM

    I especially love the second picture...I can hear her giggle. May the sweet memories soon conquer the overwhelming grief. Yesterday was the 5th anniversary of Joe's death and we celebrated Allyson's 7th birthday. Her mom made it so special with a big purple castle in the yard and lots of excited little girls...we celebrated his life by celebrating hers. Hope it's a good week ahead...sending love. Helen

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  7. AnonymousMarch 13, 2011 at 3:37 PM

    Thinking of and aching for you Mandy. These pictures tear at my heart strings and the fact that she is not here with you is still unbelievable. Hugs.

    Jen Z

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  8. Catherine WMarch 13, 2011 at 5:45 PM

    Such a sweet pea, so happy. She looks so pleased and proud to be 'walking' the dog!

    Thinking of you, little Penguin and your dear Hudson xo

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  9. Yankee, TransferredMarch 13, 2011 at 8:58 PM

    The photos of her with Bess just break my heart. I wish so much that this were not your reality.
    Hugs,
    Claire

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  10. Kate C.March 13, 2011 at 9:14 PM

    These photos are beautiful. What a precious girl. It is so hard to believe that Hudson is gone after looking at these photos and seeing her spirit practically jumping out from the pictures. I'm so sorry, Mandy.

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  11. AnonymousMarch 14, 2011 at 12:04 AM

    Ten months.. how have you made it to this point Mandy? I see you with strength, grace, courage and love.. even in the moments when some of this may have seemed not to exist at all.
    These pictures are so stunning... and the lat one.. thank you for sharing its origin.. now each time I click on your blog I can see in my mind all of the happy moments that came with that one photo.. all part of the legacy of a very precious little girl.
    Love to you....

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  12. AnonymousMarch 14, 2011 at 10:19 AM

    Oh, Mandy. I wish I had words to give you some comfort. I can see the love and joy on Hudson's face. I am so so sorry for your loss.

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  13. AnonymousMarch 14, 2011 at 1:09 PM

    The pain that we all feel in pales in comparison to the joy that Hudson's little soul gave and continues to give the universe.

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  14. tylersmamaMarch 14, 2011 at 4:23 PM

    I was thinking about you guys yesterday Mandy, I'm sorry I couldn't post till now. Ten months seems pretty unbelievable. Missing her and remembering her with you xoxoxo

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  15. AnonymousMarch 14, 2011 at 10:54 PM

    Not a day goes by that I don't think of her often. She is so missed. We love her always...always...always...Good Night Moon, Renee P.

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  16. Sarah WallsMarch 15, 2011 at 1:36 PM

    I'm so sorry that she is gone. As others have said, I think of you and Ed and your children so so often. Sending love and deep breaths. Sarah Walls

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  17. Sherry e.March 16, 2011 at 9:12 AM

    I just love her cheeks in this set of pictures! So round and squeezable. She was so full of joy, Mandy. So obvious that her few days on this earth were happy ones.

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  18. AnonymousMarch 25, 2011 at 11:40 PM

    Oh my God the pictures ..the pictures.

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