Fighting the Fear

I am now in the third trimester, just over 28 weeks pregnant. And yet I am still not totally convinced that a live baby is coming home with us sometime in the next (hopefully) 9 to 12 weeks. As I predicted many months ago, when I was looking forward to when this baby would start moving so that I would have a regular indicator of how he was doing, I now worry constantly about whether he is moving enough. Just when I think that I’ve beaten that monster and I start to relax and feel like everything will be OK, I have these moments where I think, “I haven’t felt him move much today.” Two nights ago, I barely felt him move once during any of the many times I was awake and rolled over in the bed, whereas it seemed to me that he used to always thump at least once or twice every time I turned over and before I fell back to sleep. When he continued not to move a whole lot during the morning yesterday, even after I ate and drank a cold fizzy fruit drink, I entered a barely controlled panic. I called Ed from the airport in Raleigh where I was delayed and before I knew it, I was in tears. I was already preparing myself for how I could break everyone’s hearts again by telling them that we had lost Jackson, already thinking in my mind how I could possibly explain how something like this could happen to us again, already feeling guilt and shame over the death of yet another child, this time one inside my body. Of course, once I got back to my office a few hours later and sat quietly at my desk, where every thump is noticeable, I could feel him moving frequently throughout the rest of the day. Just when I think I might be getting the fear and anxiety under control. It’s just so hard because I have such difficulty trusting my instincts anymore. After watching my little girl die slowly right in front of my eyes after what started out as the most seemingly normal toddler illness possible, EVERYTHING seems abnormal to me. And I have no way of distinguishing between the instincts that are right and the instincts that are wrong and/or just poorly disguised irrational fears. I like to think that next time I have one of these panicky moments, I’ll be able to remember yesterday and how silly I felt when he started kicking and rolling all over the place, but I doubt I will. And before you ask, yes, I am still planning to talk to someone about this (especially because I know this is only going to get worse after Jackson is born). I just haven’t yet.

Fortunately, we also had a follow-up ultrasound scheduled for this morning anyway, and (after waiting for almost TWO HOURS after our appointment time), everything still looks OK. He is still measuring pretty big—based on the ultrasound (which I’ve heard from many of you is notoriously unreliable for such things), he weighs about 3lbs 3oz, whereas normal for this point is about 2lbs 4oz. His head is still above the 97th percentile. But I am nearly certain that the established due date is about 3-4 days past what it should be, so that could account for some (but not all) of the extra size. The amniotic fluid index is still just on the high side of normal, but it hasn’t gotten any worse since last time, which seems to me is a good sign and an indication that nothing is wrong—he’s just a big baby and therefore makes a little more amniotic fluid than normal. They’re going to make me do a second glucose screen just to be on the safe side about the gestational diabetes, which can still show up between 24 and 30 weeks. He’s sitting head-up right now, but I’m not too worried about that yet—he’s still got plenty of time to turn. The one piece of resoundingly good news is that the echogenic focus on his heart seems to have completely disappeared, as so many of you suggested had happened with your own children. So strike that out of the “worries” column. At least I can strike something out of there.

We got a pretty cute picture of his little face. Contrary to my earlier worries, he is clearly going to have his daddy’s nose. Which means he will also have his big sister’s nose. I wonder how else they may look alike.

Even though I wish there were no reason for more follow-up ultrasounds, I am actually glad that they’ve scheduled us for more. Again, after Hudson died because we didn’t have all the information that we needed to know how sick she was, I am all for having as much information as possible, even if it ultimately makes me worry. So we go back in four weeks to check in again on the amniotic fluid and his growth, and then again at 36 weeks. Then from 36 weeks on, we’ll go in weekly for non-stress tests, which is apparently standard operating procedure at my OB practice for women over 35. I can’t tell you how relieved that made me.  I probably would have wanted to ask for that anyway, having met so many mamas online who have suffered late-term stillbirths. Even though I know that the extra monitoring might ultimately lead to extra intervention that I don’t really want (e.g., an induction that may not be totally necessary), I am okay with that. As much as I hope, hope, hope that Jackson’s labor, delivery, and birth is as spontaneous and natural and uncomplicated and intervention-free as Hudson’s was, all I really care about is bringing home a healthy, living baby at the end of it. I never thought I would feel that way, but I do. Even though I know that interventions can cause some complications themselves, those complications very rarely lead to infant mortality and frankly, no mortal risk from NOT intervening is remote enough for me. For now though, all I can do is hope that everything goes as smoothly as the first time and try to keep myself sane until then.

Knitting and sewing is really helping on that front. The time I spend doing both, thinking about Hudson and Jackson and how to keep the two of them close to my heart and close to each other, not only makes the days go by faster but makes my heart beat slower and brings much-needed smiles. Last weekend, when I was at home in Chapel Hill, I went to a fabric store in Carrboro that I had passed a hundred times before but never stopped into (because I didn’t sew). I happened upon the best fabric I’ve found so far, and even though I have no idea what I’m going to do with it yet (I think a lot of the prints I like most are really meant for décor and not for clothing, but I don’t really care), I had to buy it. Check it out:

I saw the penguin first. And then right next to it, the turtle. And then just under the turtle, the monkey.

Then I looked at the name of the pattern on the tag. It’s called “Jack’s Zoo.”

My precious kiddos. Talking to me again. Trying to tell me it’s going to be okay. Bless them.