Tuesday, March 15, 2011

More Dreams

I’ve had two more dreams in the past two nights where Hudson disappears suddenly, leaving me panicked.

Two nights ago, I turned around and she was nowhere to be found. Then I looked up and saw her in the middle of the street, with more than one car headed straight toward her. I rushed to her and scooped her up just in the nick of time.

Last night, we were with my sister and all her kids, in one of those situations where I’m sure someone has their eye on her. I was on the phone when all of a sudden, I looked up and saw that she wasn’t with any of the kids in my line of sight. I told the person on the phone to hold on and then started yelling, “Who’s got Hudson?” And no one did. I went from room to room and finally found her, curled up asleep on Bess’s bed (which she used to love to sit on), sweating profusely (maybe a reference to her fever?). I picked her up and moved her to a more comfortable spot—she was sleeping soundly the whole time.

Each time when I wake from these dreams, I have the impression that I dreamt about her, but it takes me a while for my brain to fill in the details. And once it does, I am both happy to have seen her in my dreams but also disconcerted thinking about those panicky moments when I realize she has disappeared.

I wonder how many more times I will be forced to relive in my dreams the very real nightmare of losing her.

And more importantly, why can’t the reality, where she died, be the dream, and the dream, where she ends up safe and sound, be the reality?


  1. Mandy,
    Thinking of you so much... and wishing with you that you had the reality of Hudson safe with you and that the dream (nightmare) was of losing her... Holding you in the Light.
    Rachel C.

  2. Wishing that all dreams were sweet ones, and that they all came true. I'm sorry, Mandy, just so sorry.

  3. Dreams can be such a gift, those quiet visits and the impression, after, that you have been with someone. I hope that yours start skipping the panic and you can just visit with your sweet girl.

  4. I so wish that reality was the dream and the dream reality. With all my heart. A hug to you.

  5. I wish it were true. :( My heart hurts for you.

  6. I just hurt so much that this is your reality. That she lives in your dreams but cannot rest in your arms.

    I thought of Hudson yesterday when I saw a mother with her daughter at the park.. she said she was 17 months old and in a flash I thought of Hudson... it was just one of those moments...