Saturday, June 4, 2011

More and More

I didn’t think I could miss her more than I already did, but I do. It never occurred to me that Jackson’s presence could make her absence even more pronounced, but it does.

We are in North Carolina, at Ed’s dad’s house for Jackson’s first trip home to visit his extended family and friends who already love him. Somehow I failed to anticipate how difficult this trip might be for me emotionally, but being here with him, without her, has provoked some of the hardest grieving I’ve done in a long while. Just like that first time I put him on the changing table where a much bigger kid used to be, just like that first time I sat with him in the rocking chair in their room and sang “Hark the Sound” to him, it has been incredibly sad bringing him here and doing all the same things we did here with Hudson when she was this age and later, changing his diapers on the counter in the bathroom where he can look at himself in the mirror, nursing him on the sofa, cuddling him in the guest bed to get him to go to sleep, walking down the long gravel road to the house, listening to frogs and looking at ducks and swans. Not only am I reliving all of these precious memories of Hudson, but I’m also thinking (to the extent my imagination can work this far) about all the things she might be doing if she were here with us today. I suppose I should be grateful for the very vivid reminders of our life with her (that is certainly one of many gifts Jackson’s life has brought to us) and hopefully that will come in time, but today, I am just broken, broken, broken by these memories of all the joy that once was. And I am struck again with absolute disbelief that she is gone.

It really does feel like losing her all over again. And it hurts like hell. And this is before we’ve even gotten to her Poppy’s house.

She feels more gone than ever. And I miss her more than ever.

22 comments:

  1. Oh, Mandy, I am so sorry that this cannot be a time of just pure joy for your family. I wish she were with you, too.

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  2. Holding you in the Light. I know that there are not words... but I send support and love your way, just the same.
    Rachel C.

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  3. How difficult it sounds, Mandy. I hold you and Hudson in my heart as well as my thoughts, along with Jackson and Ed. As Beth says, I wish your sweet, delicious, clever girl was here to experience this new stage of all of your lives.
    With love,
    Rebecca

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  4. Oh, sweetheart, I know. More gone than ever. It is worst when everybody else is there, or when you're somewhere extra-special, or when it's a key family time. The hole is bigger then, and the pain.
    So sad and sorry she isn't there too. Much, much love.
    Liz

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  5. Oh, Mandy- words fail me tonight. How I wish she was there with you. I'm so sorry. Sending you much love and support. And a big hug.

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  6. She feels more gone than ever. And I miss her more than ever.

    I'm so sorry Mandy. I can't begin to imagine how it must feel, to take Jackson to the same places that your dear little Hudson enjoyed visiting.

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  7. I am trying to come up with something smart and comforting to say. But words fail me for this pain is just so deep. I am thinking of you and wished I could take all the grief and sorrow away.


    Jana F./Singapore

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  8. Oh Mandy, we're so sorry. Big hugs from all three of us! - Jennifer, Mark, & Sofia Lewis

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  9. Sending hugs and prayers for Houston. I never had the privilege of knowing Hudson, but I know that she is so very proud of you and of her baby brother.

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  10. I am so sorry Mandy for the life sentance you and Ed have to endure without your precious Hudson. If I could lift your grief even a little, I would...we all would. For now, accept my heart of love for you four...Renee P.

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  11. Oh, this is just not fair. I hope against hope that Jessica's promise that joy and pain is better than just pain can somehow hold true. Thinking of you guys.

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  12. My heart is broken for you. Thinking of y'all always.

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  13. I'm so sorry, Mandy. That sounds just terrible. How could you anticipate this? Do your best to let the family and friends, who surround and love you, carry you through this.

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  14. Again, hugs. I think of you and all your journeys all the time.
    XO
    Claire

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  15. I'm so sorry, Mandy. Hope you can soak up all that love of friends and family who love both Hudson and Jackson.

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  16. So sorry, Mandy. That's one of the many shi*&Y things about losing a child -- you are FOREVER left wondering what would be. A life sentence indeed. To maintain my sanity, I've tried to block those thoughts and just be in the present, but easier said than done. Love to you, Olivia

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  17. Mandy. So sorry. I hope that you can created new memories with Jackson that will not be so painful.

    Thinking of you,

    Hannah

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  18. I think of you often. I don't know if you are a super duper christian or not, but I am just starting to contemplate christianity. i found this song and FINALLY (big duh!) for some reason today i got it's message. Holy Cow.... really, i had no flippin' clue what this song was about. I posted it on my blog b/c I just liked it, and it sort of said some of the things i was feeling in terms of losing my marriage. So, check it out, let me know if you like it. The lyrics I posted on my blog are the ones I relate to the most. Please take a look.

    Hugs and love and blessings to all of you....jackson is so handsome!

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  19. Mandy, I'm so terribly sorry that your pain is so vivid and strong, missing your sweet girl. Sending you my warmest thoughts. I'm so sorry.

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  20. Take each day as it comes Mandy. Please don't expect too much of yourself... and know that you have so many people out here in the world who are sending you so much love, light and strength for the moments when you need them.

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  21. After being out of town I'm just now catching up with your blog. I just had to share that on this Saturday, I too was in NC, and together with some of Ed's old CHHS friends, y'all and your beautiful new boy were thought of and spoken of!! I'm sad to hear this day was so hard for you, but know you were being thought of!!
    Mitzi

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