Thursday, May 5, 2011

Children's Games

If you haven’t noticed, it’s been a rough few days. Or at least a rough few mornings. The days seem to have gotten a little bit better as they have gone by, which is good, because I am gearing up for what I already know is going to be a rough weekend and week—my mind is already being called frequently to images of last Mother’s Day weekend, the last few days we spent with our girl before she got sick, and then, of course, to all the images of the harrowing days in between that weekend and the following Thursday night when she died. This kind of remembering was inevitable, I’m sure, so again, I’m just going to take any chance at respite I can get before that storm gears up for real.

I woke up this morning feeling a little better than the last few days—the sunlight streaming through the windows probably helped (yesterday was gray and rainy, matching my mood well, but not doing much to help it). I woke up thinking about the mess in Hudson’s (Jackson’s) room and all of Jackson’s newborn clothes that are still sitting out on the sofa in the TV room where I folded them. I got up and showered and then went into their room to see if I could move some things around to make a little room without having to actually change anything.

I looked into Hudson’s closet (it is still definitively hers since it still contains only her things) to see if there was anything in there I could box up or pack away, since it was more a storage space than something we used every day. Up on the top shelf, I saw a Children’s Place bag, and remembered that inside were a few pairs of 24-month sized fleece jammies that I had bought at a deep discount at Christmas in 2009, figuring I’d just store them away for her to wear the next year. I did store them away. But she never got to wear them.

I pulled the bag down to see if any of the jammies were ones Jackson might be able to wear—I couldn’t remember what I’d bought and whether they might be too girly. I looked inside and this is the first thing I saw:




I immediately started to laugh. And then I started to cry, still laughing through my tears. I couldn’t believe what I was seeing. Penguin jammies, totally suitable for a boy, that I had no idea I even had. I swear sometimes it almost feels like the two of them are running around in and out of the corners of my life, playing little games with one another that are intended to somehow lift me up. I can almost picture their heads leaning into one another, whispering and smiling conspiratorially. And this was certainly a delightful discovery to make this morning.

Of course, as delightful as it was, it was also so very bittersweet. I couldn’t believe how long and tall those 24-month jammies are. That’s what Hudson would have been wearing six months ago. What a very big girl she’d be now.  How very much better it would be if these were hand-me-downs from her rather than brand new jammies that were never worn. 

But on this bright sunny morning before the coming dark week, I’m trying to hold on to the sweet. I’m holding on to the reaction I first had when I saw those little green penguin jammies in the bag—the immediate laughter accompanied by the image in my mind’s eye that my little ones were in a corner somewhere, giggling at my reaction to the cute little trick they’d played on me.

19 comments:

  1. "I immediately started to laugh. And then I started to cry, still laughing through my tears. I couldn’t believe what I was seeing. Penguin jammies, totally suitable for a boy, that I had no idea I even had. I swear sometimes it almost feels like the two of them are running around in and out of the corners of my life, playing little games with one another that are intended to somehow lift me up. I can almost picture their heads leaning into one another, whispering and smiling conspiratorially."

    This, my dear Mandy, is the essence of Hudson, and likely the essence of Jackson. I know that you and I approach things of faith and spirit differently, but I remain convinced that Hudson is a mere touch away from us all, and that once Jackson emerges into the sunlight of his birthday, he will be able to see and feel her in ways we grown ups have forgotten. So go with this feeling of connectedness and conspiracy - it will surely lead you to the ever bright light of Hudson's love.

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  2. Wonderful discovery, Mandy! Sending you enveloping hugs and thinking of you,

    With love,
    Rebecca

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  3. Your blog posts so often move me to tears...In this case, tears of surprise and delight when I saw the picture of the penguin jammies! My immediate reaction, having followed your blog, was very much the same as yours. Your delightful and adored son and daughter, always connected with you and with each other, as they always will be.

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  4. Mandy, I do think that the two of them are conspiring to make their Mama smile. And I know for a fact those jammies come in pink, so I don't think it's an accident you bought them in green. And, like Philip said, Jackson will know and feel Hudson in ways we aren't able to understand. Much love to you.
    Allyson

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  5. What a wonderful gift, Mandy!

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  6. I absolutely love this! And though they won't be hand-me-downs, there will be plenty of Hudson's spirit present every time Jackson puts on those little penguin jammies.

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  7. Smiling at how, in the midst of sadness, the universe and your sweet children are sending you reminders of their connection to each other and to you... Rachel C

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  8. So much of that magic derives from the amazing intentionality with which you approach the world and your life, Mandy. Something I aim to emulate, and one of Hudson's lessons (to me, at least). I love this post.
    Nina R.

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  9. I was once told by a Buddhist Monk that there is no such thing as coincidence...

    Wishing you strenght, warmth and hope.

    J.F./Singapore

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  10. Aw, hello there, Hudson ~ What a wonderful way to pop in and say hi to your mom!

    I LOVE that this brightened your day ~ what a perfect little pick-me-up from your kiddos... Hold on to that, Mandy. Hold on to the good stuff. Thinking of you so often these last few days, and for certain in the coming weeks as well.

    ~Jillian

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  11. Hold onto that image as hard as you can Mandy. Enjoy these moments of respite as they come.. when you can imagine your children playing together and doing everything a brother and his big sister would smile at. I know these moments can be rare.. and I know that the times that follow are often so hard, so try your hardest to live in them for as long as you can... you deserve the beauty of that light my friend.

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  12. Philip H...you got it hit it on the nail...Hudson is with her brother now and in the future..

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  13. What a beautiful moment. Thank you for sharing it with us. I have been hoping you would get another sign from your babies during this especially difficult time. I know you have been dreading this weekend and the upcoming week, and I am hoping that the anticipation proves worse than the actual events.

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  14. Mandy, That right there is a sign from your precious Hudson! There is no such thing as a coincidence....

    I hope you can take comfort in these delightful penguin pyjamas, that even though it's hard to comprehend and there seems no sense in the senselessness of your journey...I've read that coincidences like these are like little red flags to remind you that you are on the right path in "your life."

    Sending love, thank you for this little reminder to appreciate the little things this morning.

    Love Diana x

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  15. That moment right there, hold it and take it all the way in...Precious...Renee P.

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  16. Love this. I'm glad it could make you smile.

    Kris

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  17. Thanks for giving this gift to your Mama, Hudson. Keep 'em coming, I'm sure she'd love more gifts from you. Hugs to you and Ed. - Mandi

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