Things I did today:
Had a dream about Hudson after telling myself before I went to sleep last night that I wished I would
Told a stranger for the first time that Hudson died—and cried, just a little
Started reading a novel
Bought a new cookbook in hopes I could be inspired to start cooking again
Faced my (unfounded) fears about having lunch in Ed’s office cafeteria—no strangers looked at me with pity or felt compelled to say how sorry they were
Actually picked up the phone and called three people rather than telling myself that I didn’t feel like talking to anyone
Took Bess to the dog park, engaged some people in conversation, and only worried a little bit about someone asking me if I had children
Saw twin boys around Hudson’s age delight in watching the dogs at the park—and I smiled instead of cried
Told Ed a story about a little boy I saw giving his dad fits on the sidewalk—and we laughed about how Hudson probably would have been doing the same thing in a year or so
Forgave myself, at least a little, for not taking Hudson to the ER sooner after reading a story in a grief book about another mother who had the same terrible experience
Said out loud that if there’s one thing I know for sure, it is that Hudson knew she was loved from the second she was born until the second she died
It was a good day. I needed one.
"it is that Hudson knew she was loved from the second she was born until the second she died" . . . Mandy, I was thinking about this earlier today (before I saw you), and how many people go through life feeling unloved, not knowing what it is to be nurtured. How many children feel unsafe, cautious, wary, insecure; all too many even hungry and fearful. And I was glad that for every minute that Hudson was with you on this earth, all of those feelings were strange to her. That she was secure and loved and safe and nurtured and fed, in every sense of the word. What amazing gifts to give your child. And what an amazing gift she was and is to all of us. And I'm so glad you had a good day.
ReplyDeleteOh, I adore this. Soooo gooooood. thank you thank you thank you
ReplyDeleteIndeed, she was loved as much as any child ever has been or will be. And you did what any good parent would have done when she got sick. It is not your fault that she caught a rare, hard-to-diagnose illness.
ReplyDeleteKate and I have been so worried about you, Mandy, and are so glad that you were feeling well today.
I am so glad you had a good day. I love what you said about Hudson knowing she was loved every second. Yes, she did. It shows on her face in the photos and I hear it in every word you write about your precious daughter.
ReplyDeleteI'm so very happy to read this, Mandy. And am sending many wishes and prayers that every day will send you at least one unexpected blessing. And may you forever keep reminding yourself how much Hudson was loved, and how her life was filled with knowing that.
ReplyDeleteTracy M.
Keeping you in our thoughts, friend. Here's sending you and Ed hope that more good days are on the way ...
ReplyDeleteI actually said, "Yes!" out loud when I saw the title of this post. So happy to hear about a good day -- may there be more of those than bad days to follow. Grateful tears welled up when I read that you know for sure that Hudson knew she was loved every second of her life.
ReplyDeleteSo glad to read this and I know how hard it must have been to make yourself do these little things that seems like mountains. If there is One Thing I know for sure, its that Hudson knew and still knows how much you love her and that little girl had more love in a short time than many people experience in a lifetime. Love and hugs! Brooke A.
ReplyDeleteI, too, am glad to read that you had a good day. The first of many in your future.
ReplyDeleteIt is very evident when I read the post that they were the things you did today. The effort that you put into things is startling. “Dum spiro, spero" While I breath, I hope. Indeed!
You amaze me, and everyone, every day. We are all rooting for you with hope, love and compassion. I hope that from this day you are able to hold onto the truth that Hudson knew she was loved every second of her short, precious life.
Here's to more good days, more forgiveness of yourself, and more love.
ReplyDeleteI'm so thrilled to hear you had a good day. It's well deserved and there are many more coming - Hudson will make sure of it from above - she would want only good days for her mom and dad! - Alex K
ReplyDeleteGood days are good.
ReplyDeleteWhat a lovely day - the first of many more to come, I hope. Such a tough thing to allow yourself to feel the smallest amount of happiness or peace (which you so fully and completely deserve and will undoubtably find in time) but by including Hudson in yesterday's good day like you have, you can move forward with her ever present :)
ReplyDeleteAnd Riley and I will gladly come meet up with you at the dog park anytime...
I found your blog through mamapundit.com and want to write to say thank you. I wrote today about the lesson your blog and ultimately Hudson's life have taught me. I know there are no words that can truly express my condolences for your loss. "I'm sorry" just seems so cliche. Hopefully the thought that others out here are focusing on our One Good Thing because of Hudson helps you feel some comfort.
ReplyDeleteI'm so happy that there are some good moments amidst your grief.
ReplyDelete