I do this often. In the midst of my crying, I just shake my head. Because it just doesn’t make any sense. I don’t understand it. I want to know why this happened to Hudson, to all of us. I want to know why I don’t get to be with her anymore and she doesn’t get to be with me. I want to know why I will never get to watch her grow up. I want to know why she will never look any different than she does in this, the last photo we ever took of her (in which, very sadly, she is not smiling her trademark smile).
I was telling Jess yesterday that I still just don’t get it. Ed and I are good people. We are great parents. We are good to each other. We are good to our families. We are good to our friends. We try to be good to the world in the best ways we know how. So it just doesn’t make any sense at all why Hudson was taken from us when so many other parents have children they don’t want, children they neglect, children they abuse. I just wish I could understand.
Of course, I know there is nothing to understand. I know there is no why. I think I read somewhere that this is just another form of magical thinking, really. I still can’t accept that Hudson is gone, still can’t believe that I will never see my little girl again. So if I keep questioning why, maybe somewhere along the way I can figure out where the mistake was made, who fucked up. Because surely this was a mistake. Surely someone or something fucked up. Whether it was God, the gods, fate, the universe, life, “what’s meant to be,” whatever the hell it is, it obviously seriously fucked up when it took Hudson. If I can just figure out where along the road the screw-up occurred, we can go back there, and whatever it is can get it right this time, and we can have Hudson back.
But I know I’ll never figure it out, so I just keep shaking my head. Because I honestly just don’t get it.