Sunday, June 6, 2010
Looking Down
Jess and I just had a long talk about the possibility of an afterlife. I told her how I wish so badly that I did believe in that—I don’t rule out the possibility, but I don’t really rule it in, either, at least not right now. But I want to. Not only do I want to believe that I will see Hudson again, and that my mom and Jess’s mom are loving her and taking care of her and having fun with her, but I really want to believe that she sees us now, that she is looking “down” on us from wherever she is, smiling, checking in, letting us know that she is okay and loves us. I’ve gotten this feeling a few times, but the one I remember most is when we were sitting out on the deck at Ocracoke a week ago. It was just past sunset, and the sky was dark blue, but not dark. It was still light enough that in the whole sky, I could see only one star, and it was shining so brightly. I just felt her with me right then. She was just there. I guess I can feel that even if I don’t know what I believe about “heaven” or whatever else may follow this life. It certainly feels good to have her with me.
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Even for the very religious, the passing of an innocent child -- the child of two loving, wonderful parents -- tests one's faith. But the best reason to have faith is that it means our lives have some greater purpose and that they don't just end at death.
ReplyDeleteI see a book here-- and a movie-- those are Two Good Things. :)
ReplyDeleteYou know, faith is a funny thing. I believe whole-heartedly in my good Episcopalian upbringing (which i know you are familiar with). But it has been lately as my 4 yr old asks the hard, raw questions of God and religion that I have had to look for answers. Trying to explain the unexplainable in kid's terms can make even someone like me begin to wonder. But One Good Thing that has come from this for me is I've decided that religion is a little flexible. Maybe I don't believe all of it, but with the rest of it I"ll take the leap of faith. So maybe you don't believe all of it, but you do believe Hudson is with you at times. So go with that, and don't try to justify it into a religion. Maybe the rest will come, maybe it won't, but either way you have found a little peace.
ReplyDeleteIt's so true - who can know. I, too, wonder what really happens to us, to our spirit, our essence when we die. But no matter what happens to people when they pass and no matter what we believe, I do think you will always keep Hudson with you, in you everywhere you go and in everything you do. I hope she is able to feel that in some way even now.
ReplyDeleteYour blog is a really beautiful idea. I am glad you continue to find your voice in your pain and grief.
As Shawn said, even the most faithful among us has questions. I'm in a group at my church and we talk about how faith ebbs and flows...and one of my fav expressions from one of the members is that "we believe for each other when we can't believe for ourselves." The imagery of a community holding a net of "faith" beneath me allows me to freely experience those moments of dark questioning and consuming doubt.
ReplyDeleteAlso (random) my minister also blogs (quite funny I think!) and this is a recent entry that I think is poignant and relevant:
http://talkwiththepreacher.wordpress.com/2010/05/21/step/
Mandy,
ReplyDeleteMy heart aches for you but know this writing will help you through your journey called Plan B. Living life without Hudson will take one baby step at a time. I am praying for you and Ed everyday.
Linda Miller
So many things in life defy explanation - and this is exactly one of them. There's no scientific test in the world that can confirm Hudson's presence on that dock, but neither is there a test that can say she wasn't there. Even our faith - regardless of tradition - can't really tell if she was there or not, just how to react as if she was.
ReplyDeleteThe thing is - Hudson is there. And here. And anywhere that she was loved, that she laughed, and that we who knew her experienced her. For you, that was everywhere, and so she left her energy in every place you go. The real challenge of faith is not the acceptance of her presence in this new form, but remaining open enough intellectually, emotionally, and experientially to let her touch you from that energy through the remainder of your life.
Mandy, you are so strong to begin this blog. As a person of faith, this posting really touched me. I find my faith to be strong because I do feel God's presence and love. I am so glad you feel her presence, I firmly believe she is with you always.
ReplyDeleteWell, I have to say this blog is a pretty beautiful thing. Much more than a good thing.
ReplyDeleteAnd, Mandy, I think the afterlife is a mystery. I think feeling Hudson with you is also a mystery. And, somehow, that doesn't diminish the "real-ness" of it for me. So, maybe, when you feel Hudson, you can know her presence with you to be both real and mysterious. And you can know it to be an enduring good thing.
Love to you.