Saturday, May 13, 2017

Seven Years: A Letter to My Girl

Oh, my dear girl.

This is the first time I have sat down to write anything in more months than I can remember. And it’s a letter to you, who will never get to read it. I read last year’s letter a little while ago and thought “Oh, yes. All of that. All the time.” All of these letters that you will never read. But at least it got me writing, and that is a gift from you. Thank you. 

For reasons I don’t understand, this seventh anniversary feels harder than usual. It’s possible that, like memories of the pain of labor, memories of the pain of these anniversaries fade after they pass, and that the way I feel today is really no different from the way I’ve felt on this day for each of the last several years. But at this moment, it feels different. It feels heavier and harder. For the first time in a while, I’ve been feeling that old elephant stepping on my chest (hasn’t it grown tired?) and that gnawing sensation in my belly that hunger won’t satisfy—physical manifestations of a deep longing for you that will never be sated. 

Although I’ve long understood and accepted as fact that the stages of grief are not linear, I somehow find myself no less surprised when one of them rears up and smacks me in the face long after the last time I encountered it. Talking of you and your death comes so naturally to me now. Even making the quick decision not to talk about you in certain situations comes very naturally, even though it’s never without some twinge of feeling as though I have wronged you. You have been a part of me since I first learned you existed, and now, seven years after it happened, the fact of your death feels such a part of me that I hardly ever question it anymore. I think in literal terms now about what the words “integration” or “acceptance” mean as they relate to grieving a death. 

But yesterday, I was driving down the highway in a light rain, my windshield wipers making intermittent swipes across the glass, when suddenly, something appeared out of nowhere and fluttered straight into the windshield. And just as quickly as it had appeared, it was gone. It looked like a flower petal—small, delicate, white, seeming to float even as it collided with the glass. It was so strange, especially given that it was raining, and for an instant I thought, wildly, “Is that you?” And not in the way that I think of so many things that symbolically represent you—turtles, herons, dandelions, stars—but in the way of “Can it be? Could you have come back to me?” It was utterly nonsensical, and yet I thought it just the same. 

And then, an instant later, I remembered your ashes. They are sitting wrapped inside a plastic bag, tied with a twisty tie, tucked under some natural cotton inside a lidded ceramic jar that sits a foot from my bedside, just on the other side of my lamp. If they are here, then you cannot be. If your ashes are in that jar, then you cannot be a feather-light white petal on my windshield on a rainy day driving down I-40. 

It has been a long, long time since I have had that sensation that perhaps you might still return to us. That feeling that you couldn’t actually have died, that you are still here somewhere waiting for me to realize it with a surprised “Is that you?” 

It is not you. You feel as gone as ever, white petals notwithstanding. 

As your younger siblings get older and older, I notice your absence ever more. So many families with three children surround me. Our family feels so wrong, so incomplete, next to them. Our family feels younger than it should, without its eight-and-a-half-year-old anchor. Reminding myself that we do have three children, that in fact, our oldest would be turning nine this year, only compounds the sense of wrongness instead of alleviating it. 

Our anchor. Your younger siblings play together so well—they love and despise each other pretty much in equal measure, but I find myself thinking so often lately about what our days would be like if you were in them. I project onto both Jackson and Ada a sense of loss of an older sister, a leader and role model, a comforter- and protector- and co-conspirator-in-chief. A kid needs their big sister, don’t they? I guess I’m grateful that they don’t seem to experience your absence in this way, at least not yet. But part of me hopes that someday they will. Although I’d never wish pain upon either of them, and although I mostly want them to feel your presence, if someday they experience your absence and feel a sense of loss, maybe that’s how I will know I have done all of this right. 

Seven years, my girl. I don’t know what else to say except the same refrains that echo beneath every breath, every day. I love you. I miss you. I wish you were here. We will blow bubbles today, along with many others across the world, and I’ll watch them float away, hoping they find their way to someone who needed to see them. 

Is that you? 


Love, 

Mommy

9 comments:

  1. Still thinking of you...seven years later...and wishing that it was her.

    Kris

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Thank you so much, Kris. I am so grateful to you for your long-time and consistent support.

      Delete
  2. <3 remembering your anchor.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Thank you, Laura Jane. It's nice to hear from you, and I hope you are well, friend. <3

      Delete
  3. Hi Mandy,

    I was thinking of all of you this past weekend. I am commenting here, so hopefully, you will know this. Peace to all of you.

    Kris

    ReplyDelete
  4. It was during my research on HIV/Herpes that I stumbled upon the Hiv/Herpes information; information which is quite easy to find when doing a search for STD on google. I was into conspiracy at the time thought of HIV/Herpes Cured' being a conspiracy was something Ignorance though,I found pretty interesting about herbal medicine. I asked questions about the Herbal cure's on official HIV/Herpes websites and I was banned for doing so by moderators who told me that I was parroting Hiv/Herpes propaganda. This reinforced my belief that there is a cure for Hiv/Herpes Then i found a lady from germany name Achima Abelard Dr Itua Cure her Hiv so I send him a mail about my situation then talk more about it and send me his herbal medicine I drank for two weeks.And today I'm Cured no Hiv/Herpes in my life,I searched for Hiv/Herpes groups to attempt to make contact with people in order to learn more about Hiv/Herpes Herbal Cure's I believed at this time that you with the same disease this information is helpful to you and I wanted to do the best I could to spread this information in the hopes of helping other people.That Dr Itua Herbal Medicine makes me believes there is a hope for people suffering from,Parkinson's,Alzheimer’s disease,Bechet’s disease,Crohn’s disease
    ,Cushing’s disease,Heart failure,Multiple Sclerosis,Hypertension,Colo_Rectal Cancer,Lyme Disease,Blood Cancer,Brain Cancer,Breast Cancer,Lung Cancer,Kidney Cancer,Love Spell,psoriasis,Lottery Spell,disease,Schizophrenia,Cancer,Scoliosis,Fibromyalgia,Fluoroquinolone Toxicity Syndrome Fibrodysplasia Ossificans Progressiva.Infertility,Tach Disease ,Epilepsy ,Diabetes ,Coeliac disease,,Arthritis,Amyotrophic Lateral Sclerosis,Autism,Alzheimer's disease,Adrenocortical carcinoma.Asthma, (measles, tetanus, whooping cough, tuberculosis, polio and diphtheria)Allergic diseases.Parkinson's disease,Schizophrenia,Lung Cancer,Breast Cancer,Colo-Rectal Cancer,Blood Cancer,Prostate Cancer,siva.Fatal Familial Insomnia Factor V Leiden Mutation ,Epilepsy Dupuytren's disease,Desmoplastic small-round-cell tumor Diabetes ,Coeliac disease,Creutzfeldt–Jakob disease,Cerebral Amyloid Angiopathy, Ataxia,Arthritis,Amyotrophic Lateral Scoliosis,Fibromyalgia,Fluoroquinolone Toxicity
    Syndrome Fibrodysplasia Ossificans ProgresSclerosis,Seizures,Alzheimer's disease,Adrenocortical carcinoma.Asthma,Allergic diseases.Hiv_ Aids,Herpe ,Copd,Glaucoma., Cataracts,Macular degeneration,Cardiovascular disease,Lung disease.Enlarged prostate,Osteoporosis.
    Dementia.Lung Cancer, Leukemia Lymphoma Cancer,
    Lung Mesothelioma Asbestos,
    Ovarian Cervical Uterine Cancer,
    Skin Cancer, Brain Tumor, ,Hiv_ Aids,Herpes,Inflammatory bowel disease ,Copd,Diabetes,Hepatitis,Lupus,I read about him online how he cure Tasha and Tara,Conley,Mckinney and many more suffring from all kind of disease so i contacted him . He's a herbal doctor with a unique heart of God, Contact Emal. ... drituaherbalcenter@gmail.com Phone or whatsapp..+2348149277967.

    ReplyDelete
  5. I was diagnosed of Herpes 2 years ago and I have tried all possible means to get the cure but all to no avail, until I saw a post in a health forum about a Herbal Doctor(Dr Akhigbe) who prepares herbal medicine to cure all kind of diseases including Herpes, at first i doubted, if it was real but decided to give him a trial, when I contacted Dr Akhigbe through his Email: drrealakhigbe@gmail.com he guided me and prepared a herbal medicine and sent it to me via courier Delivery service,when I received the package (herbal medicine) He gave me instructions on how to consume it,I started using it as instructed and I stopped getting outbreaks and the sores started vanishing, could you believe I was cured of this deadly virus within two to three weeks and notices changes in my body. Days of using this REMEDY,couldn't believe the healing at first until I see it as my HERPES  get cleared like magic Dr Akhigbe also use his herbal medicine to cure diseases like, HIV, HERPES, CANCER, ALS, CHRONIC DISEASE, HEART DISEASE, LUPUS, ASTHMA,  DIABETES  HEPATITIS A AND B.ECZEMA, BACK PAIN, EXTERNAL INFECTION ,ASTHMA, MENINGITIS, EPILEPSY,STROKE,KIDNEY DISEASE,ACME. etc Contact this great herbal Doctor today the father of herbal root cure. via Email: drrealakhigbe@gmail.com or whatsapp him +2348142454860 and get cured permanently He is real..website:      https:drrealakhigbe.weebly.com

    ReplyDelete
  6. Still thinking of you and Hudson, and your family. Hope all is well with you.

    Kris

    ReplyDelete
  7. Wanted you to know I still think of your Hudson, and come back here occasionally just to remember her. I don’t know you, I live in Canada, but your girl left a mark. Hope you are well.

    ReplyDelete