Tuesday, September 4, 2012

Fifteen Months

I am still here.  It is hard to believe how long it has been since I last wrote in any depth.  I have so much to write about, so much to say, so much clattering around in the cobwebby corners of my mind.  I will be back regularly soon, I hope. 

But for today, I needed to mark another milestone in this journey of life without Hudson.  I took Jackson in for his 15-month well visit today.  The 15-month well visit was the last regular visit Hudson made to the doctor before she got sick.  Her 18-month visit was scheduled for three weeks after she died. 

What is also becoming clearer with each passing day is that there is no escaping the reality that Jackson will soon be older than Hudson ever got to be.  Of course, there is nothing I want more than for him to grow and flourish and live to be a very old man.  But once he lives past 17 months and 12 days, he will have lived Hudson's entire lifetime.  Every moment beyond that is a moment we did not get with her.  It makes every moment with him, both now and then, ever more precious.  But as much as every one of those moments is a reminder of all that we have, every one of those moments is also a reminder of all that we have lost.  Much of the deep sense of grief I have been moving through this summer has come from the fact that Jackson has rapidly been growing into a little person very much like the little person that we lost when Hudson died.  Just as she was on the brink of bursting fully into herself, so is he now.  Just as she charmed us daily with her mannerisms, her words, her animal noises, her contagious smiles, her loving little self, so does Jackson.  More times than I can count, I am quickly brought to tears in the very moments where I am smiling and laughing hardest with him.  

A reader once commented that it was a good thing that I am able to enjoy moments with Jackson in ways that are just his, that he deserves his own life.  Of course he does.  He also deserves to have a big sister here on earth with him.  We deserve to have both of our children living.  All of us deserve many things we do not get.  Life is not fair.  Jackson does deserve his own life, but his life just happens to be one in which his older sister, his parents' first child, died before he was born.  This fact will shape all of our lives forever.  It does not mean that our grief will overshadow the joy he brings us.  It does not mean that Jackson will be forced to live in Hudson's shadow, never his own person.  What it does mean is that she will always be our first child, she will always be Jackson's big sister, we will always miss her, and we will all keep learning to live with our grief beside our joy.  The grief does not make our joy any less.  If anything, it enlarges our joy.  I am learning to accept that the tears may often come in those moments of joy, but the tears don't have to detract from those moments.  Instead, they can simply offer a more beautiful reflection of the joy than could ever have been possible without them. 



  

13 comments:

  1. I've thought about you and Hudson so much lately. Make no apologies for your tears--she should be here. She won't be forgotten. Love and hugs to you.

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  2. Kate said what I feel, only much more eloquently than I would.
    Big hugs.
    Claire

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  3. I have no doubt in my mind that you will find the perfect balance in which to raise Jackson...even though you shouldn't be on this damn balance beam in the first place! But, Mandy, you WILL manage. I have confidence in you that ALL of your children will know that they are ALL loved in their very own way...for their own unique personalities...and for their own individual and IRREPLACEABLE places in your heart. They will know.

    So glad to hear from you. I have been checking your blog every day, so I am glad you finally took some time to yourself to write a bit. Hugs to you, dear mama.

    ~Jillian

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  4. I feel like this is me, writing a year from now. And what you said about not letting your sadness overwhelm your happiness, it's a constant daily struggle. These milestones are so incredibly bittersweet.

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  5. Mandy, You last paragraph one thousand percent. Sorry, that sentence doesn't make sense, but I completely agree. Even though I didn't get to know David's personality and watch him grow once he was born, I truly feel like my love and grief for him makes my joy with his little brother even bigger, even though Arthur should be growing up with a big brother on the earth with him.

    I have been thinking of you and your lovely family a lot lately. Much love to you all
    ~Amanda (metinperu)

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  6. Beautiful as always. love, Kate

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  7. I just read all of your blog for the first time. I'm not even sure how I came across it earlier this evening, but I couldn't stop reading. Your words are beautiful and I can't thank you enough for sharing. I have a 5-yr-old daughter and a 3-yr-old son who are fast asleep right now; I've never been more thankful for them. Thank you for sharing your Hudson with the world.

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  8. I have been thinking about you a lot and hope you are feeling well.

    That last paragraph is so beautiful. As always, I am sorry that it is this way for you. You're absolutely right. It's not fair.

    Kris

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  9. I have been missing your updates. I cannot even imagine all the emotions you experience on a daily basis, heartache intermingled with joy, celebrating milestones with Jackson and grieving those lost with Hudson. Thinking of you often.

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  10. I've been checking often, as I too have missed your updates. Remembering sweet Hudson and so glad you get to celebrate milestones with Jackson, even though you should also be celebrating with Hudson. Sending love from Ohio.

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  11. I have followed your blog for some time and I have felt your pain even though I have never lost a child. The Bible teaches that we are to cry with those to cry and laugh with those who laugh (Romans 12:15) ... I believe there are many of us out here who have done that with your family through your blog. You have helped so many of us realize how precious each moment with our children is ... most parents know that but with the business of life it's easy to take things for granted.

    May you continue to enjoy your sweet Jackson while remembering sweet Hudson with a new peace and rest in your soul as only Christ Jesus can give (John 14:27).

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  12. Have been thinking about you..so glad to hear you are feeling better and know we think of you and our dear Hudson every day...St. Ann's changing so much and so many renovations...but never fear...your Hudson room is coming...I promise!! Stay strong..your St. Ann's Family

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  13. Dear Mandy, I have your read your blog regularly since our baby daughter became very ill with bacterial meningitis at 6 weeks old ( one week corrected). I can completely empathise with your feelings at the time of Hudson's diagnosis, as like you, there was so much of what we didn't know. The picu truly was the scariest place I've ever been to in my life & memories still haunt me. It was sheer luck that Imogen survived. None of us knew how poorly she was. Unfortunately meningitis is such an evil disease that it moves silently & so quickly that before we know it, it has a complete hold. I think of you & your family almost every day. It makes me remember whenever I feel concerned about Imogen having cochlear implant surgery that we are so lucky to be in this position. I really wish that things could have been different for you & your beautiful little girl. She was an angel & I'm sure she now really is.
    Much love to you from the UK xx

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