Sunday, July 22, 2012

Tunnel Vision

I am still here.  On top of a long to-do list as I prepare for a big TNT fundraiser in August and for starting my new job soon after that, chemo has just really been knocking me out for the last few weeks.  The doctor warned me that the fatigue would get progressively worse, and he was right.  But I just keep trying to remember that there is a light at the end of the tunnel for me, at least as far as cancer is concerned.

I have also just been missing my girl so very much.  I want to write more. I have so much to say. But for now, I am struggling yet again with the reality that there is no light at the end of this particular tunnel.  I miss her.  I want my little girl.  I want my son to have his big sister.  I want my old life back.  I would take countless rounds with cancer if I could just have her back.      

A fellow bereaved mom shared this on Facebook tonight, and it spoke to me.  Partly because I need reminding that I have already made it "through" a lot of dark tunnels, partly because I need reminding that I have what it takes for the ones that remain ahead.  But mostly it spoke to me today because it reminded me that sometimes, in some ways, there is no "through." God, I miss my child. 



  1. Glad to "hear" from you. You are allowed to have days when you just feel plain crummy & need a break...but please know that your supportive group of internet followers are always here for you, even when you don't write. We still love you!!

  2. We do miss hearing from you. Sorry you're having this hard time, although that sounds rediculous, since your last 2 years have been so hard. Remember there is some good that will be sprinkled in too. Thinking of you!

  3. Oh, Mandy. I'm sorry. I was wondering the other day about how you were coping with your grief, because I know it never goes away and that you will always miss her. Your readers don't assume the longing is gone just because you don't blog as often as you used to. As I've wished so many times before, I wish there was something I could do to fix it.

    As always, bearing witness.

  4. I'm so sorry, Mandy. Thinking of you always. Love you. Miss you. Be brave. You are amazing.

  5. Thinking of you. Hope you are well.