Today, I nursed Jackson for the last time. He was two days shy of 11 months old. I know that he has already received all of the great immunity benefits of breastfeeding. I know that he takes a bottle just fine and doesn’t mind formula at all. But I also know that he wasn’t ready to stop nursing. I had not planned to go cold turkey—I was hoping to do a slightly gradual transition during the weeks before I started chemo, but once we started planning for preserving embryos, I heard from the reproductive endocrinologist that I needed to stop before I start the follicle stimulation cycle. So I tucked him in tight for our final nursing session this afternoon. The whole time, I sat there thinking how selfish I was being for denying him an easier transition just because I want to get these eggs harvested. I could be giving him a week or two more before we really had to quit. I don’t know how I am going to stand it when he is crying out to nurse like he does early in the morning.
Today, we also packed up all of the little things in the house that we don’t want the movers to pack (since most of what they will pack is going to stay in boxes for several months while our house is renovated). All the family photos and our clothes and baby gear. We had to take everything down off of the walls. I went into the babies’ room and gently peeled off the beautiful black-and-white sea creature wall stickers Ed found online when we first decorated the room for Hudson before she was born. Two seahorses, two stingrays, sea grass, bubbles, and finally, two sea turtles. A mama and a baby. I thought about how it seemed like only yesterday that we lovingly placed those stickers on the wall, trying to figure out just the right configuration over the baby’s (we didn’t know at the time whether it would be a Hudson or a Jackson) crib. When we bought them, we were glad they were made of reusable adhesive so they wouldn’t tear up the walls when we moved. Now, I am just so glad that we are able to take them with us. I wish they weren’t so very full of memory and meaning. But I am also glad they are so very full of memory and meaning.
So many transitions all at once. And I am so not ready for any of them.