I only recently discovered children’s music on Pandora and today, during the hour between 5:30 and 6:30 while we were waiting for Ed to come home, the hour at the end of the day where Jackson is tired and ready for his bath and bottle and bed, the hour where I always have to find some good way to entertain him, I turned to it for the first time. I was on the sofa with Jackson sitting on my legs facing me with the Boppy supporting his back. I had been singing silly pop songs to him for a while, but he tired of that and had just started to get a little fussy when I remembered Pandora. I grabbed my Blackberry and created an Elizabeth Mitchell station.
The first song was “Here Comes My Baby,” which I’d never heard before. Although it’s a jilted lover’s song, these lyrics brought Hudson to mind:
In the midnight moonlight I’ll be walking a long and lonely mile.
And every time I do, I keep seeing this picture of you.
So I was already thinking about her when the next song came on. It was “You Are My Sunshine.” Before the words even floated in, I was already in tears. I kept my composure and sang to Jackson as best I could through the chorus:
You are my sunshine, my only sunshine
You make me happy when skies are gray
You’ll never know, dear, how much I love you
Please don’t take my sunshine away.
But I couldn’t hold it together through the verse:
The other night, dear, as I lay sleeping
I dreamt I held you in my arms
When I awoke, dear, I was mistaken
So I hung my head down and cried.
How many times has this happened to me since Hudson died? By the end of the first line, I was sobbing.
But by the beginning of the second, Jackson got this huge goofy grin on his face and immediately I was laughing as hard as I was sobbing, thinking about what I had written the other day about how he always seems to know when I need a smile, and that maybe his big sister has something to do with that.
My little sunshines. One here with me on earth. And one who is not here but is shining on me every day nonetheless.