Friday, July 22, 2011

You Are My Sunshine

I had one of those special moments with my two kids a few minutes ago.

I only recently discovered children’s music on Pandora and today, during the hour between 5:30 and 6:30 while we were waiting for Ed to come home, the hour at the end of the day where Jackson is tired and ready for his bath and bottle and bed, the hour where I always have to find some good way to entertain him, I turned to it for the first time. I was on the sofa with Jackson sitting on my legs facing me with the Boppy supporting his back. I had been singing silly pop songs to him for a while, but he tired of that and had just started to get a little fussy when I remembered Pandora. I grabbed my Blackberry and created an Elizabeth Mitchell station.

The first song was “Here Comes My Baby,” which I’d never heard before. Although it’s a jilted lover’s song, these lyrics brought Hudson to mind:

In the midnight moonlight I’ll be walking a long and lonely mile.
And every time I do, I keep seeing this picture of you.

So I was already thinking about her when the next song came on. It was “You Are My Sunshine.” Before the words even floated in, I was already in tears. I kept my composure and sang to Jackson as best I could through the chorus:

You are my sunshine, my only sunshine
You make me happy when skies are gray
You’ll never know, dear, how much I love you
Please don’t take my sunshine away.

But I couldn’t hold it together through the verse:

The other night, dear, as I lay sleeping
I dreamt I held you in my arms
When I awoke, dear, I was mistaken
So I hung my head down and cried.

How many times has this happened to me since Hudson died? By the end of the first line, I was sobbing.

But by the beginning of the second, Jackson got this huge goofy grin on his face and immediately I was laughing as hard as I was sobbing, thinking about what I had written the other day about how he always seems to know when I need a smile, and that maybe his big sister has something to do with that.

My little sunshines. One here with me on earth. And one who is not here but is shining on me every day nonetheless.


  1. The tears and blessings come together all at once!

  2. Our youngest requested you are my sunshine last night and I thought of you... and of Hudson... the whole time. Sending love... and deep appreciation at how your heart swells to hold the joy and the pain... seemingly contradictory emotions... together. So glad your boy can bring the laughter!
    Rachel C.

  3. That song means so much to our family, and the Elizabeth Mitchell version is so beautiful. Feeling very teary reading this, have been thinking of you a lot. Gorgeous photos of your babies. Take care, Kell

  4. Frankie Beverly and Maze know a little something about Joy and Pain...Loving you so much! Renee P.

  5. My Elizabeth Mitchell moments come with "Three Little Birds."
    Love that little boy's smile

  6. Laughing through the tears. Now that's some good therapy. That is a lovely song.
    Your children are so precious, Mandy. Such wonderful smiles, and beautiful hearts.
    Peace, and many joyous moments to come.

  7. Oh my God those faces..and look at Jackson smiling like ready for the world..waiting to meet him..

  8. I just got caught up on your recent posts Mandy.. Jackson's birth through this one. I adore the pictures of your children... such beautiful souls indeed.
    Tears as always, and lots of love. She will always be your sunshine.

  9. The Elizabeth Mitchell station on Pandora is a favorite here. We actually had it on this afternoon, and You Are My Sunshine came on. My youngest sang along, and I thought of you and both of your sweet little ones.

  10. What a precious moment and two beautiful smiles. love, Kate Z.