Wednesday, January 12, 2011

What Can I Say?

Not much.  This week has been a struggle.  The emptiness is pervasive, the ache so terrible.  I could have guessed it was coming after this weekend.  I could have guessed it was coming with the snow.  But I couldn’t stop it from coming, any more than I can bring Hudson back.  My dearest Ed is always so kind, always asking what he can do, even though he knows and I know that he can’t do anything.  I just have to keep living through it, even through the fleeting (and thankfully, very rare) moments when I’m not sure if I even want to. 

I just have to keep living through it. 


  1. Oh Mandy, I think about you so much from down the road. I send you many hugs. Anne

  2. Remember our little fish friend Dory.....just keep swimming, just keep swimming. You will get your head back above water soon. xoxoxo

  3. Hug, Mandy. I am thinking about you during this especially tough week.

    Ashley Dunham

  4. Dear Mandy, I am thinking of you....

  5. I am so sorry.


  6. Still thinking of you guys every single day--and the wonderful way you and Hudson and Ed have touched so many lives. Sending hugs from NC-

    Christine Mayhew

  7. It seems one of the most horrible parts of grief is that it comes so hard, so fast and often without any warning. I just keep hoping it will come a little less as each day goes by.

    Thinking of you, Ed and Hudson.


  8. Mandy, I'm so sorry. Hang in there til spring. Jackson is going to help you so much. Not that your grief and longing for Hudson will diminish, but you will be distracted by this joyful little being. Sending you a hug. Olivia

  9. we're just all waiting for the precious little sister/brother to come join you on the outside of that belly. caring for her/him will care for you. i know it will.
    hang in there a little longer mommy.

  10. Mandy, although I visit the blog daily to see how you're holding up, I have never commented before, even though there have been many times I've felt compelled. Usually I just nod in agreement with your well-wishing friends, feeling I have nothing profound to say. Today, though, reading "moments when I’m not sure if I even want to" -- my heart broke for you, again, and I simply want to say hold on. Granted, it's still not profound. Just. Hold. On. Ed and Jackson need you. And you deserve the chance to mother again. Have you any idea how overwhelmingly clear it is through your photos and posts how wonderful a mother you are?

    And I agree with previous friends who have said Jackson will never replace Hudson, but the joy his life will bring: the snuggles, the kisses, the bond, may eventually lessen the load of your grief. Certainly not obliterate it, for you will always have Hudson in your heart, but the goodness of him will result in more smiles than tears.

    Thinking of you always.

  11. I am so sorry that you are having an especially hard week. My best friend has a way of remembering great quotes when I need them. Your post made me think of the last one she sent me. It seems like a timely quote for you too.

    "When you come to the end of your rope, tie a knot and hang on."
    Roosevelt, Franklin D.

    Wishing you peace.

  12. Mandy,
    I think of you and Ed so often bcz my pain and yours crossed midway. The only think over the last 12 months that makes me pause is that I know Mamadou and Hudson are at peace. We are the ones struggling...

    With lots of love and sympathy.