Wednesday, October 6, 2010

More Love

Ed and I had long discussed trying to have our second child when Hudson was about two to two and a half years old. For some reason, I’d gotten this spacing in my head as “perfect”—just enough time to let Hudson get a little bit of independence, maybe get potty trained, move to a toddler bed, and just not feel quite so much like the world might be falling apart if all the attention weren’t directed at her. So we figured we would start trying sometime in the spring of 2010. So come January, I was already plotting what clever way we might announce a second pregnancy, since we’d already used the cute blog/ultrasound trick. I was thinking what cryptic status I might post on Facebook that would cleverly give it away. I wasn’t crazy about having another December baby (so much going on during that time already), so we figured we’d wait until April to start working on it. And then the trial I was working on got continued until June. The last thing I wanted was to be in the middle of my first trimester during trial, so we decided then that we’d put it off until then.

And then Hudson died. And we were no longer thinking about a brother or sister for her, but about another child that would become the oldest, but would really never be the oldest. A child whose parents would be radically transformed people, people who had suffered the worst loss imaginable. A child who would never know his or her older sister, never know the joy of her impish smile, never hear her contagious giggle, never experience the bond of warmth and protection that an older sibling can offer, that Hudson surely would have offered.

During the early days after Hudson died, I didn’t know if I could even think about that child. Ed and I both said that while we knew we wanted more children, when we thought about being the in the hospital delivering another child, all we could think about was crying. We ultimately decided that while our plan for our family had been most horribly and irrevocably altered by fate, we still wanted to move forward with it, mangled as it was. For the same reason that we wanted to have Hudson, we knew we wanted to have more children, and soon—our love for one another was so incredibly great, all we wanted to do was share it with children.

As fate would have it, our timing was perfect. I am pregnant, due May 24, almost exactly two and a half years after Hudson was born. Except Hudson is not here. She will never get to be the big sister. She will never get to have her picture taken leaning over to kiss her baby sibling in the hospital or holding the baby on the couch under close supervision from Mommy and Daddy. She will never get to experience the mischief of teasing a little sibling mercilessly. She will never get to stand up for her little brother or sister in front of others who might tease them. She will never get to help Mommy bake her little brother or sister a birthday cake. She will never get to be a maid or matron of honor or honorary groomsman in her brother’s or sister’s wedding. She will never.

As you might guess, my emotions are all over the place. Don’t get me wrong-- they are not mixed. There is no part of me that is not glad that we are pregnant, happy that we are having this baby, already counting the days until this little one is in our arms. When we saw this little one’s heartbeat last Friday, I felt the first flutter of excitement in my own broken heart since Hudson died. But as you can tell from the last few days’ posts, there are just so many parts of me that are still so acutely grieving my oldest child. I am grieving the life we had planned for her, for our family. I am grieving the cheerful, carefree manner in which we were able to enjoy our pregnancy with Hudson. I am grieving the fact that for the rest of my life, I will have to celebrate the birth of one child within a week or so of remembering and mourning the death of another. I am grieving the fact that this announcement is so very bittersweet—this little one deserves to be welcomed with nothing but pure, unadulterated joy, but so very sadly, that kind of joy just does not exist for us. Not right now, at least.

There is no doubt in my mind that this baby will bring healing. That it will help renew us. That it will bring back some of the joy that was stolen from us when Hudson was so cruelly yanked from our lives. That gives me hope.

We have such a big job ahead of us. I can’t even begin to imagine how we will do it, but I know we can and we will. We are determined to be the very best parents we can possibly be to this baby, even if we can never again be the parents we were to Hudson. I have to keep reminding myself that there is no more that I can do except to take it day by day, or sometimes only minute by minute, or breath by breath. I am grateful, already, for the unconditional and overwhelming support that I know we will receive during the next agonizingly long seven and a half months, and that I know we will continue to receive for many moons after that.

We love you, our sweetest Hudson. We will never stop missing you or grieving the hole that your absence has left in our hearts and our lives. You will always be our first. You will always be our oldest. You will always be our precious girl. We will always be however many we are, plus you. You taught us so much and you keep teaching us every day and we are so grateful. We are so very sad that you will never get to meet your little brothers and sisters, but we will tell them all about you, and they will love you, too.



We love you, little baby. We haven’t decided on your in utero name yet, but we can’t wait to meet you soon. We are so very sad that you will never get to meet your big sister, but we will tell you all about her. We know you will laugh at her pictures and her videos just like we do. We will always let you be yourself and we will always love you for you, no matter what. And we will try our best always to bring as much joy to your life as we know you will bring to ours.

72 comments:

  1. AMAZING!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! Thanks be to God!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

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  2. Congratulations and much love to you, Ed, and your new addition!

    Love,
    Beth

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  3. Oh Mandy! What wonderful news. What a beautiful post. Congratulations to you and Ed. We continue to hold you all in our hearts.

    Jake G.

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  4. Of course, this post has me crying.

    Congratulations, you two! I know you will be parents just as wonderful to this new little life as to Hudson.

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  5. AAHH!! I am so happy for you, Mandy! You are an incredible mom, and I am thrilled you're sharing that gift with a second child, your sweet Hudson's little brother or sister. Congratulations to you and Ed!
    ~Ashley D.

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  6. CONGRATULATIONS!!! The last paragraph of this is so very special! I loved reading and can easily feel the love for your second child! Truly a blessing!!
    Mitzi (HS friend of Ed's)

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  7. Congrats, Mandy and Ed! My heart is full of joy for both of you. This baby will receive so much love ... and even have a guardian angel looking over him/her ;-)

    Much love and blessings,
    Melissa Rasberry

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  8. Oh, Mandy and Ed, I am so thrilled for you both even as my heart continues to break for you. This little one is so lucky to have you as parents. And I know you will find a way to help him, or her, know how special that big sister was. Much love to you both.

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  9. Congratulations, Mandy. That is such wonderful news and your post was so eloquent.

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  10. Mandy, I am thrilled for you. You are such a wonderful mother, and since I saw you and Ed with Maya I have been hoping that you would be blessed with another child soon. You both have so much love to give. Congratulations!

    Allyson Lawless

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  11. Congratulations on your new little soul to love and cherish!
    Veronica

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  12. Oh, Mandy, I am crying tears of joy for you right now. This was a beautiful post, a beautiful love letter to both of your children. Many congratulations to you and Ed, and best wishes for a healthy pregnancy.

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  13. This is so exciting. I had to write something, sorry it sounds soo cliche! I am addicted to you, to Ed and Hudson and of course this blog. I will follow your journey every day, as I have already! :) All the best & none of the worst......

    -Lauren

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  14. Mandy and Ed - I have chills!! Congratulations!! I am so thrilled for you and I know that Hudson's little brother or sister will bring you and all of us so much joy.

    You wrote these words at the end of August. It seems like fall did work a little magic.

    "Fall has always worked a little magic on me. I hope it will this year, too."

    Alex K.

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  15. What a beautiful post! I am weeping with joy for you, am so happy for this child.

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  16. Mandy, congratulations. I know the challenges of being pregnant during the early stages of grieving a child. And know too well the complicated mix of emotions that surround celebrating the birth of one child and the anniversary of the death of another so close together. And, just to make things more interesting, I'm due again in December. Kathleen was born six days before the first anniversary of Henry's death. In some ways it made that first anniversary easier to get through, but it made the following December much harder. Email me at my HeartHealHope address if you want/need to talk more about it.

    Growing a baby and grieving another is exhausting work. Be extra kind to yourself during this pregnancy. Allow yourself to continue to grieve deeply and actively. Whatever people say to you, allow yourself to feel the very real, very complicate mix of emotions throughout this pregnancy and this baby's birth.

    Congratulations again—I hope your pregnancy and delivery is smooth and healthy and as happy as possible given the circumstances.

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  17. Love and blessings to you and your family, Mandy. I will hold you all in my prayers, and wish you joy with my every breath.

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  18. MUCH LOVE! WOW! Be kind to yourself...so much going on, so many feelings, so much joy and heartache, and this "blessed" anticipation. Here's to the pink line (and the proof of a strong heartbeat)!!! Take care, take care, take care...
    -amber

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  19. Mandy,

    I am crying tears of joy for you right now, and I just can't stop. As bittersweet as this moment is, I couldn't be happier for you right now with the news of Hudson's little brother or sister. This little one will always have a guardian angel looking after him/her. May the coming months bring you much joy and excitement...and all the feelings that have become lost in your life since sweet Hudson left us.

    I love you and Ed. And I am so genuinely glad for my two dear friends.

    Hugs.

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  20. I am overjoyed for you. And crying, too. Of all the fears you might have about this journey, the one you can put aside is that this baby will know that there was a shining light in it's parents life named Hudson, and that she will shine on your family always. You were, are, will be, remarkable parents. Peace and comfort to you, friends.

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  21. I know you are not sure what you believe regarding an afterlife, but me, I sit here and picture Hudson and her new baby brother or sister sitting together. Hudson preparing little one for the journey to come, telling him or her how much fun they will have and how much they are already loved. Coaching him on Bess and the airplanes and bedtime routine. Or telling her just what to do to make Mommy laugh and (maybe) not get in trouble for the mischief she created. Most of all Hudson is telling her brothers and sisters that while she may not be there physically, she will always be right there watching over them and protecting them the way all big sisters do. Your next baby will come into this world and you won't have to teach him or her about Hudson because they already know each other. I am so very happy you are getting to meet and mother Hudsons siblings. Congratulations!

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  22. Hi Mandy - What wonderful news - congratulations! I have been following your blog for several months now thanks to a link posted by Deborah Roseman on Facebook. I've never commented until now but I think of you often. I remember you from undergrad at UNC, though I don't recall the context. In any case, please know that I join in the numbers of people honoring the memory of your sweet Hudson and wishing you love and healing every day.
    -Katie Lavoie Cain

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  23. Congratulations and much love to you both from Red and I. We can't be happier for you all, and we look forward to helping you in any way we can. Hudson is, I am sure, Happy too - and I have no doubt she will be watching her sibling at every step of the way.

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  24. Mandy, I am so absolutely happy for you! I have been sending love to you through Ed and felt that it was truly time to speak directly that I am thinking about you both (and Hudson) every single day. I will continue to keep a candle lit for you and baby bean every day. Always sending love, Candy

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  25. Mandy, Mandy, Mandy-I am weeping every kind of tear for you and with you. What a lucky babe and what wonderful news. A baby! A sweet, loved, cherished, baby! My heart sings. I cannot imagine how you feel pushed and pulled by waves of joy and grief. Please take good care of yourself.
    ~Claire~

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  26. Mandy & Ed - I continue to marvel. You two are great parents, then, now, and always. The addition of one or of many will never change how much you love Hudson, nor will the fact that Hudson is not here change how much you love whatever gifts may be given to you in the future. Lots of love your way.

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  27. Congratulations! Your new baby will have his or her own special angel. Much love and good wishes!

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  28. Great news! I am thrilled for you. You deserve every ounce of happiness this pregnancy brings. Hudson and the new baby are so lucky to have you as their mom. The depth and breadth of the love you and Ed share with each other and Hudson, and now with this baby, is inspiring. In fact, everything about you is inspiring. Congratulations!

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  29. congratulations to you and your husband Mandy. While I can't imagine the emotional rollercoaster you are on, please take care of yourself and try to enjoy this pregnancy as much as you can.

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  30. What beautiful news, and what a wonderful way to honor your Hudson: by bringing another child into your family to feel her love and the incredible love that you, Ed, and everyone around you has to offer.

    I wish you a healthy pregnancy and a joyful birth.

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  31. Mandy- what beautiful news. Hudson will be there with you guiding you and guiding your new family...
    Love and grace- Leslie

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  32. So so happy for you and your family. Congratulations! You seem like such wonderful parents. Any child would be lucky to have the two of you. I wish you a very smooth and healthy pregnancy and birth.
    -Jamie

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  33. my dear mandy- what joyous news- thick with wonder and of course some mixed emotion-- enormous celebration and grieving all at once. time to take great care of yourself. hudson's little sister or brother will make your heart grow in ways you never thought possible--and this will deepen your capacity for healing, undoubtedly. you have shown yourself to be a phenomenal mom- so we all CELEBRATE for this new baby that s/he will be so blessed to have you. wondrous wondrous news. all love to you and ed.

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  34. I was so happy when Melissa texted me last night to see if I knew the wonderful news! Cngratulations and much Love to all of you!

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  35. oh my goodness CONGRATULATIONS! we are SOOO happy for you both! I look forward to hearing how about all of the new, wonderful memories you will make with your new little one. Congrats again.
    love, luv and subha

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  36. Oh, Mandy! What incredible news...a new life to love and nurture! and no, not a "replacement child" and not a child whose job will be to "make up for" the loss of your beautiful Hudson (an impossible task anyway)---but a child with whom you will create your future. I know this baby will have not only your love and Ed's but also Hudson's...you have so much love to give and this baby is truly blessed to be YOURS. Hudson will be there with you all the way, watching over her baby sibling---not as you would have wished, but there nonetheless. You are already a family of four---one watching, one growing, and two parents loving them both. I send my very warmest wishes for a smooth, healing pregnancy, and can't wait to hear of your new baby's safe arrival next May! I will be thinking of you every day, as always.

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  37. Such wonderful news!! And maybe the full-on, complete & total "WA-HOO" joy is not there, but as you said yourself, it's just not there "yet." Give it time, you've got an incredible loss that you will be dealing with for the rest of your life, so don't expect too much...that's not the kind of thing you can just "get over" just because you are expecting a new baby. Hudson taught you guys how to be the amazing parents that you are, and in that, she will never be truly "gone."

    I'm so excited for you guys ~ I hope you have a smooth & easy pregnancy! Keep us posted, you've got tons of fans out here in cyber-land who are pulling for you and wishing you nothing but the best!! :)

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  38. how wonderful mandy- many prayers headed your way!

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  39. Life works in mysterious ways sometimes.
    Congratulations, love, hope, and comfort to you Mandy.

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  40. Mandy and Ed -

    I've followed your blog since I got the message to help find the journal. I've cried with you for many of your posts and now I'm rejoicing with you. What wonderful news! I'm overjoyed for you both (and crying again!). We wish you all the very, very best!

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  41. Oh my goodness goodness GOODNESS greatness! Congratulations to you, Mandy and Ed! This is wonderful news. All my bestest wishes and more.

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  42. This baby is going to know so much love. Thank you for sharing your excellent news with all of us, in your usual, inspiring, grace-filled way. Much happiness to all of you.

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  43. I am so, so happy to hear this news. Erin H.

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  44. This is truly wonderful. I cannot wait to meet this lucky child. :)

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  45. I am so happy you guys are going to have another baby. I know this baby will bring much happiness to your lives, just as Hudson has.

    I know parenting this child will not be the same as parenting Hudson, but have no fear that you will love this baby with the same intensity you loved Hudson and this baby will know it is loved from the second it is born, just as Hudson did.

    I, too, am sad that you won't get the experience of sharing your children with each other. No doubt Hudson would have derived much joy from this baby and this baby would have benefited greatly from having Hudson as a guide in life.

    Just as you are navigating this grief you will also figure out a way to navigate parenting after loss. We are expecting our second baby next month. When we took our son to his 2 year well child check recently, the doctor, newly pregnant with her first, asked us what our plan was when our second was born. My husband and I looked at each other and laughed. We had plans with our first that went out the window the second he was born and became his own person. I told her we planned to take it one day at a time and were trying not to have too many expectations and were not planning to sweat the details. Because that's how it is. And so it will be with you and Ed and your new little blessing. My wish for you is always peace and love and I know this baby will bring you both.

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  46. What wonderful news! I have followed your story since I saw a FB post asking for prayers for sweet Hudson. I wish you an easy, healthy pregnancy. I will continue to keep you, Ed, Hudson and your new little one my thoughts and prayers.

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  47. Mandy, you write so beautifully, and you have such a wonderful heart. I am happy for you and Ed about this new little life that is beginning. You are such wonderful parents and will raise amazing children. And Hudson will always be a part of that. There is a book called Shadow Child by Beth Powning, that tells of Beth raising her son after the death of her first child, and how she always felt that child's presence, through the years. You might relate to it, it is a beautiful read by someone who walked the path you are walking.

    I am happy for this news. You deserve all good things. But I know you are still grieving too. One day at a time. All the best.

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  48. Tears of joy for you and Ed--a very very fortunate soul is making its way into this world.

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  49. Mandy,

    This is certainly one very, very good thing! Thank you for sharing this news with us. Thank you for sharing your memories of Hudson with us too.

    I think one day this new baby will be able to read these memories that you have recorded here of Hudson and feel closer to his/her sister. I think that is pretty special.

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  50. Pure Joy floods my heart! Love..Love...Love Renee

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  51. I have chills, tears, and joy all at the same time. Miraculous, lovely, wonderful!

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  52. Congratulations and my very best wishes for a healthy pregnancy. Growing a baby takes a lot of energy - I hope you'll be very sweet and gentle with yourself over the next months.

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  53. Oh what a delight to hear of your good news! Congratulations and may you have a happy and healthy pregnancy.
    Nancy

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  54. Wonderful news! How lucky for this baby to have such wonderful parents and an angel of a big sister to boot.

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  55. I'm so happy for you, Mandy! I know this will take you down a road of wishing Hudson could share this with you, but I know there will be a measure of healing and happiness in this amazing new life. Congratulations!

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  56. "Before every human being go 10,000 angels crying, 'Make way for the image of God!' " - Ecclesiasticus... Much love to you and your family Mandy! I'm so inspired by your courage to carry on and have God show you knew ways of loving and seeing your children. Big hugs and many warm blessings for the months ahead - raw emotions and all! Peace, peace, peace...
    Lindsay McKinnon

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  57. Even though I have never met you before, I wanted to let you know I am so happy for you and your family. I have learned so much from reading your blog and how we should never take one day for granted where our children are involved. Thank you so much for sharing your life with us and I am so sorry that Hudson will never get to physically be in the life of her siblings, but she will definitely be watching over them every day just like she does you and your husband.

    Heather Rasberry Raper

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  58. With tears in my eyes and joy in my heart, CONGRATULATIONS!

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  59. This makes me so happy, not just that you're pregnant, but that you could muster up the hope to do it again! Way to go all around, y'all!

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  60. God bless. Your children are with us all.

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  61. I'm so happy for you guys. Happy through tears.

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  62. Wonderful, wonderful news! You guys have so much love to give.
    I'm so happy for you!
    B

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  63. What a beautiful, amazing, bittersweet, complicated, and hopeful gift. I don't know you; I have never met you. However, you have touched my heart with your blog. Thank you for sharing this amazing news.

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  64. I've been thinking about you and this so-special news. There is no question that this baby will know all about his or her big sister, Hudson. No child could have better parents or more love than any child of yours. Anyhow, I don't know if you have stumbled across Heather Spohr's blog:http://thespohrsaremultiplying.com/ Heather lost her Maddie at around the same age as Hudson due to complications from a respiratory infection. Heather is now chasing around 9-month old Annabelle, and she strikes the most amazing balance between remembering and mourning Maddie, while fully enjoying every second with Annabelle. I just thought you might like to read Heather's stuff. Comfort, joy and love to you.

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  65. What good news that you and your husband are going to welcome a new little one into your hearts and home. Congratulations Mandy, I'm sharing in your joy.
    Jackie

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  66. Mandy and Ed,

    I had to force myself not to scan ahead in the post as soon as I got the gist - we are so, so happy for you.

    Now you are really going to have to lay off the Coca Cola! But every once in a while is fine!!

    Johanna and Warren

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  67. Congratulations Mandy and Ed on your #2! As always, let us know how we can help along the way. Sending all our blessings and love.

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  68. Many congratulations, Mandy and Ed! We are so happy for this ray of light in your lives.

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  69. Congratulations! Through a mutual friend I found your blog and have been moved in so many ways. I was the baby that came after my parents lost their first on Christmas eve. Somehow they managed to make it through every Xmas eve where we would then trim the tree and sing songs. They spread her love into and through us so much that she was always acknowledged and never forgotten. In honor, one of my daughters bears a Scandanavian version of her name. Hudson will live on.

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