Wednesday, October 13, 2010

Five Months: Remembering

Five months. Another month gone by without our girl. I’ve been dreading writing this all day today and now I know why. Somehow, most of the day, I was able to stave off the intense grief that these anniversary days and these memories usually inspire, and I was worried that writing tonight would open that door. I was right. As soon as I wrote the first two sentences, I began to cry. The last few days, since Sunday morning, have been hard ones. Days where it’s hard for me to look at her pictures or even think about her without tears. Recalling how much fun we were having this time last year. Mourning over how much fun we should be having this year.

One year ago on this past Sunday, on Columbus Day weekend, we took Hudson to Homestead Farms out in Maryland to pick apples and pumpkins. In the past few days, I’ve seen many friends post Facebook pictures of their kids at the pumpkin patches this past weekend—it’s apparently the right weekend to go. I have just been overwhelmed with longing to post new pictures with Hudson—even though I’d thought about it before, I don’t think it ever really set in until the past few days that I will never get to post a new picture with her again.  I change my profile picture occasionally, but only to old pictures of Hudson.  I’m already thinking about the days when we will post pictures of the new baby—I’ve already wondered, bizarrely, if there might be some way to photoshop Hudson into them. Because she should be there.

On these month anniversaries, I try to just remember a happy memory, not dwell in my grief. Until I actually sat down to write, I thought that would not be much of a problem today. I was wrong.

I need a new phrase for I miss her.” That is the most inadequate phrase in the English language.  Heartbroken” gets closer, but still can’t even touch the depth of this grief.

Our trip to Homestead Farms is one of my favorite memories—as I mentioned a few days ago, September and October were when Hudson really started to get fun, to interact and play in different way than before. I look at our pictures from that trip and again am left to wonder how it is possible that that precious creature is no longer here. I am feeling overcome right now, utterly heartbroken looking at my sweet girl’s beautiful smile, heartbroken that these are the only pictures we’ll ever have of our girl with pumpkins. I can’t write anymore. I think I’m going to have to let the pictures do the talking this month—and they speak loudly. Of what a big spirit our little girl was, even at just past 10 months old. Of our intense love for her. Of her love for life.  Of the wonder we created together as a family.























19 comments:

  1. Beautiful, happy, well-loved little girl, so full of life. Shining among the pumpkins, so happy. I am terribly sad for you, Mandy.

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  2. She is a beautiful girl. I wish I could say something to bring you comfort but I know there are no words tonight. I am so very, very sorry.

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  3. These pictures speak 1,000 words. Such a happy baby. I'm so sorry, Mandy.

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  4. I'm so sorry, Mandy. It's an anniversary you should have never had to commemorate. She is so amazing in these pictures, and in all of her pictures. Beautiful baby girl.

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  5. All I can do is meet your inadequate words with inadequate words of my own-- I wish there was something, anything, we could do to make it easier. I wish there was something-- anything-- that could let us feel some of this for you, instead of you bearing the entire burden of it yourself. Beautiful, sweet, caring, curious, precious, precocious Hudson.

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  6. Apple-cheeked, chubby-cheeked, delicious Hudson. We all share your heartbrokenness, Mandy. Thank you for sharing these wonderful photos of your girl.

    With love,
    Rebecca

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  7. I love these photos Mandy. Probably my favorite of all. Much love to you.

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  8. Mandy, I just love these extraordinary photographs. Thinking of you guys tonight.

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  9. Mandy, these words are, as always, grossly inadequate, but I'm so, so sorry. I love these pictures of your family -- Hudson is beautiful, vibrant, sweet, funny, loving, and so obviously loved in all of them. I didn't even know Hudson, sadly, and I so miss your pictures and Facebook posts in which she was so often the star.

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  10. Sweet, happy, smiling, hands-open, heart-open, loving little wee one. I send big hugs, Mandy, please take care.
    Claire

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  11. Oh Mandy, the pictures really are worth a 1000 words. I especially love the one where she hangs over the side of the wheelbarrow with that little expression that says, oh yea, I'm just hanging out.
    I am so sad for you and Ed tonight and hoping that the good thoughts of people the world over bring you comfort.

    I was also thinking about your earlier post about the Time article when I was in my car, driving near your house today. And I'm no scientist but I have every confidence that the little peanut in you is so blessed and so lucky and so loved that he/she will be born to two incredible, caring and loving parents. Just wanted to share that as well.

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  12. A friend of mine who lost a baby just hours after birth wears an angel pin in family pictures. I have a butterfly pin I wear when I need to be closer to my lost boy. It's not the same as having Hudson back, of course, but finding something like that would be a way to honor her as you celebrate the birth of your new baby.

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  13. I'm so grateful that you share these beautiful pictures and words and that through you I can get to know your beautiful Hudson - her happiness and joy of life is evident in every captured moment. I know what you mean about "missing her" and "heartbroken" being inadequate phrases to convey the deep longing you feel for her, but you don't even need those phrases - it's implicit in your every thought how much you love her and how profound a loss it is that she is no longer here with you physically. I'm so sorry it's been a whole 5 months without her - that's far too long. Sending you much love and strength.

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  14. Such beautiful, beautiful pictures. Mandy, I've said it before but thank God you and Ed photograph even the littlest details. Thank God you have these wonderful pictures to reflect on (painful as it may be sometimes). You have inspired me to take the extra step not only to savor but to record those special moments along the way.

    I am so sorry your little girl isn't here to celebrate another October. She just should be. I hope you can find even the smallest joy in this fall season...and even more in the next.

    Much love,
    Ashley D.

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  15. Hudson is so beautiful and I'm so glad you shared these memories with us. I am still here reading, even though I don't comment much. I know last year, I was very down at Halloween time. I ended up still buying a Halloween outfit and a pumpkin for Ella. I wrote her name on the pumpkin and everytime I saw it, it made me smile. This year... Nora got to wear the Halloween outfit. These little things helped a bit.
    Congratulations on the pregnancy. I know it's a very bittersweet process. Please let me know if you want to talk, even via email. xo

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  16. My goodness, she's just so beautiful...so beautiful...

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  17. I just love, love, love that picture of Hudson amongst the pumpkins saying "where, where am I? Can you find me, Mommy?" Just beautiful. We miss her too. No where near like you miss her, Mandy. But we do miss her, and everything that she represents too - her spirit, her innocence, her drive, her thirst, her brilliance, her assertion, her friendliness - we miss her dearly.

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  18. The pictures do speak loudly and say it all. Xoxo

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  19. You don't need new words - "I miss her" captures it well. You don't need new photos - the ones you keep sharing (And the ones you keep) are more then enough for a life time. You filled Hudson's life with love, excitement, discovery. She filled your life with unbridled joy and passion for every moment. You now give that back to us with each new post, each new picture, each new tear.

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