My dearest girl,
I don’t want to write this letter, sweet one. I read back over the
letters I’ve written you on each of your birthdays since you died, and I have
no idea how I came up with so many lovely words to say to you. Because today, I
feel bereft. I feel grumpy and angry and so sad. In the early years after you
died (how unbelievable and awful that you have been gone so long that there are
now “early years”), my dread of these days—anniversaries and birthdays and
other special days—was always worse than the days themselves. But as time as
passed, I find more and more that the opposite is true. In the beginning, when
there was nothing but your absence, always, all the time, the special days were
really no different than the others—like every other day, they were hard and
sad. If anything, those days may have even been a little bit easier, because
even though they were hard and sad, we would always hear from lots of friends
and special people who were remembering you on those days. But as time has gone
on, and our lives have continued to grow bigger around your absence, we still
feel it every day—every moment—but I think we feel it even more on those days,
like your birthday, when you are supposed to be front and center. Earlier
today, I was baking with your brother and sister, and all I could think about
was how wrong it all was, how your brother and sister should have been at
school, how I should have been putting the final touches on cupcakes to bring
your first grade class to celebrate your birthday.
Your first grade class. I know I say every year that the age you should
have reached seems so big, so grown, but goodness, Hudson. Seven? First grade?
I’ve enjoyed looking at so many of your baby pictures over the last few days,
and I can’t believe how much time has passed. I guess in some ways, this is
similar to what every parent experiences looking at pictures of their children
as babies, wondering how they could ever have been so small. And yet, of
course, I don’t have you here with me as evidence of how much you have grown.
You’re still the small, precious person I last saw lying on that bed in the
hospital, finally undisturbed by so many wires and tubes and gadgets, no longer
swollen from fluids and medication, looking as though you were simply sleeping
peacefully. But even though you are not here for me to mark your height on the
wall, I still feel the passage of time so keenly, how fast it all goes. It
still feels like you were just here. It seems impossible that we are coming on
six years since we last saw you. How can that be?
It boggles my mind to think of the kinds of conversations we’d be having
now. Even at four-and-a-half, Jackson is constantly challenging me with his
curiosity and incisive questions and thoughts. I can only imagine what it would
be like to talk with you now. If your younger siblings are any indication of
the kind of person you would be, I imagine talking with you would be utterly
delightful.
It’s still too easy to idealize you now that you are gone. It’s too easy
to extrapolate from your joyful, intelligent, wise-seeming personality as a
toddler a notion of a young girl, not all that far from being a tween, really,
who is passionate and compassionate, thoughtful and empathetic, hilarious and
happy, and whip-smart. I like to think that your brother and sister carry so
many of the best parts of you in them—I see so many of these traits in both of
them every day.
As ever, I am heartbroken that the three of you are not here together to
share what I imagine would be a sweet sibling relationship, at least for now.
Your brother and sister love each other dearly, and they fight with each other
with enthusiasm equal to their love. I’m sure it would have been the same with
you. I picture you reading books to your voracious learner of a little brother,
him peppering you with questions just like he does us, you responding half with
actual facts and half with stuff you just made up on the spot, and then you finally
telling him to leave you alone. And I picture you treating Ada as your own
little baby, at least until she starts annoying you by constantly wanting to be
within six inches of your body, which I’m absolutely certain she would. She
would adore you, Hudson. I find I picture you here with us now more than I ever
have before, which also means I feel your absence now more than ever before.
And I can’t stand it.
As always, I do still take great comfort in all the lovely and fitting ways
that people remember you on your birthday. This year, people donated books and
toys and clothing to kids who need them; they donated money to so many causes
that would have pleased you, including animal shelters, refugees in Europe who
are trying to keep their babies safe, the children’s hospital that tried so
hard to keep you here with us, and of course, our beloved St. Ann’s. When I
think of all the Hudson joy and love being sent out into the world on your
birthday, I am so grateful and so proud of you.
We did something a little different at home this year. When I asked your
brother what he wanted to do to celebrate your birthday, he said he wanted to
make a “love cake” because we miss you. So we baked you a love cake, a
heart-shaped chocolate cake complete with Carolina blue frosting (Jackson’s
idea) and snowflakes (also his idea). But his idea to make a love cake gave me
an idea about our One Good Thing this year. As your brother gets older, I’ve been
trying to think of ways to involve him more actively in our One Good Thing, to
try and help him understand why we are doing what we are doing—to honor you by
brightening the lives of other people, especially those who could really use
some Hudson love and joy. So I thought we should make “love cookies” and stuff
them into baggies with some cash and give them to the folks we see so often on
our errands standing on the corners asking for help. And that’s what we did.
And I can only hope that we are beginning to instill a real spirit of giving
into your brother and sister—Jackson really enjoyed handing the bags of cookies
out, and at one point, he and Ada even started fighting over who should get to
do it. A fight over who gets to give? That’s one sibling fight I can tolerate.
And I’m grateful to you always, sweet girl, for being our inspiration and our
light as we walk this path without you.
As the Christmas season gets into full swing, I am missing you more than
ever, Hudson. I’ll just keep carrying on conversations with you in my mind,
imagining your seven-year-old gangly legs and stringy hair and exuberant smile.
I wish so much that I could wrap you in my arms, tuck those long legs over
mine, bury my nose into that hair, and whisper into your ear how very much I
love you. I am so sorry that we’ll never have that. It’s all so very wrong. I
love you, my dearest girl.
Happy Birthday.
Love,
Mommy
